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Many years ago, I entered into a relationship with an alcoholic. Although it was clear from the beginning she was addicted, I did not admit it to myself. Over time it became impossible to ignore the truth as the incidents of intoxication began to add up. After each occurrence there was an apology, a request for forgiveness and a promise it would not happen again. No matter how much I wanted the drinking to stop, it did not. No matter how much I prayed for follow-through on the promises to seek help there was none.

For too long I chose to believe the fantasy of what she promised, of how I believed she could be, rather than accept repeated actions of self-abuse as proof of what was actually true about the woman who used alcohol to avoid facing her pain and personal challenges. In this relationship I made the mistake of thinking we can change another person. By entering into this toxic and abusive relationship I also lost myself in relationship. Rather than remaining true to myself and my values, I ignored my gut and the evidence of her repeated behavior by thinking my love was strong enough to change her.

One of the most important relationship tips we must always keep in mind is the wisdom of Dr. Maya Angelou when she advised, “When people show you who they are, believe them.”

Anyone can promise anything, especially if they want to keep a situation as it is or they don’t want to honestly look at themselves. However consistent behavior is proof of who someone really is.  Your relationships will remain unfulfilled if you cling to a fantasy of what you want someone to be at some point in the future, rather than accepting the truth of what their current behavior is telling you they are right now.

No matter how much we cherish the idea of who we think someone can be, what their potential is, the person MUST choose to be their best self just as you must choose to be your best self too.  Believing what someone says while ignoring their opposite behavior is not loving, to yourself or to them.

Your love, no matter how strong, will not stop other people from being abusive, drinking, having affairs, over spending, or abusing drugs. No matter how much you love someone, your love does not cause them to wake up to how they are behaving or how they are allowing themselves to be mistreated. The only love powerful enough to make someone walk away from abuse, to change their behavior, to end fear or self-loathing, is self-love.  The only love powerful enough to make someone change anything negative about themselves is self-love.

Each of us must want to change in order to change. And, we have to take the consistent actions necessary to bring about self-change.

Our love can support others once they make the decision to change themselves.  But, until someone works to actively take the action to change, we must not allow ourselves to be mistreated.

Love does not allow abuse or mistreatment. But, often we believe because someone is family or a close friend we have to hang in there, allowing them to dump their anger, self-centeredness and emotional unconsciousness onto us.  We feel this is how to love them. We may have been raised in a family where we were told not to rock the boat or we have to love and accept them for who they are. However, tolerating bad behavior is not loving those who are behaving badly. In fact the opposite is true, because not setting a boundary against mistreatment is telling the person their negative, hurtful and self-centered behavior is acceptable.

Paying the rent for a dug addicted child who is doing nothing to change is enabling the bad behavior to continue.  Tolerating repeated affairs from a cheating spouse when we desire fidelity is enabling the unacceptable behavior to continue. Allowing ourselves to be subjected to constant ridicule or abuse from a parent or family member is enabling negative behavior to continue.

Enabling is not love. Enable is the misguided belief because I love them I must put up with their bad behavior. We cannot change others but we can change how WE allow others to treat us.  Love brings a “higher level of awareness to a situation than what created it in the first place” just as Albert Einstein said. LOVE sets healthy boundaries to say no to negative, hurtful behavior.

If you are currently in an abusive situation you must set a boundary. Choose to respect yourself and walk away, if necessary. No matter how your heart might long for the other person to know and be better, he or she will not have a clue about how their negative behavior impacts themselves and others until they look at themselves with the honesty of their own heart.

You can only be in charge of and in control of your behavior.  You cannot make someone behave differently. No matter how much you love them.  Care for yourself by being honest with yourself about the behavior of others.  Let go of the fantasy, if you just care enough they will change.  Accept you cannot change anyone’s behavior but your own.  Love yourself by making the positive changes necessary to stop yourself from being mistreated, used, abused, or being lied to.  Setting boundaries against unacceptable behavior is the loving thing to do and will result in positive change. Even if the only beneficial change you receive is letting go of thinking your love is strong enough to change others.

I’ve spent most of my adult life feeling as though I’m fairly enlightened. Considerate, peaceful, respectful of the rights and feelings of others – “woke,” I guess you could say. Until recently, if you asked anyone about me, my friends, family, even strangers in the supermarket, they’d probably tell you, “She’s calm, kind, – has something encouraging to say…a ‘peaceful’ person.” And I’d smile beatifically, so sure of my place in a benevolent Universe, in my ability to stay centered even when people and circumstances around me were difficult. I was patient with myself, with others, with challenging life circumstances. I handed out copies of Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements to family and friends, believed in “living in the now,” took nothing personally, and woke up most mornings feeling grateful and optimistic.

Lately though, I’ve struggled to maintain the “balance” I’ve counted on to navigate through life. I could probably give you an eloquent and “justifiable” list of “reasons” for this regrettable state of being, for this vaguely alarming sense that, despite my history as a peaceful, happy person, I have become decidedly off-balance.

Sure, this has been a tough year; no one will argue with me there. In a world in which at least a few core elements used to seem relatively certain – being close to family, counting on old friends for love and support, taking comfort in shared memories and experiences, hugging, joking, laughing, feeling like no matter what happened “out there,” we could still count on at least a few familiar rituals, experiences, and relationships to keep us looking forward to what tomorrow, next week, or next year might bring.

But all of a sudden, people I thought I knew very well were repeating fake news, ranting about how seemingly reliable media sources and public figures were “after them,” how a serious public health threat “wasn’t that bad” and how being asked to wear a face covering was “depriving them of their rights.” And if I didn’t agree with them, they declared, then I must be either “confused,” “misinformed” or just plain wrong.

“What’s wrong with them?” I asked myself disgustedly. “How can they say those things! Don’t they understand how negative/disrespectful/hurtful they sound?” I found myself gravitating towards others who were similarly stuck in loops of righteous negativity. As long as we agreed with each other about how wrong “they” were, then surely we were “right”? I was allowing the words of others to “make me” feel anxious, sad – even angry. I wasn’t listening, I was reacting. I wasn’t communicating, I was flinging words into the Universe with no regard to what effect those words were having – exactly what I was accusing other people of doing!

Then one day, I was on my treadmill, getting in my steps to Lady Gaga and Earth, Wind and Fire, when a sudden clarity came over me – not a lightning-bolt kind of clarity, but a sort of calming internal effusion of knowing that almost made me stumble. I slowed down the treadmill and settled into an amble to give my brain a chance to quiet the heck down and listen to my heart. 

I remembered a conversation I’d had recently with one of my close friends. She still refused to take the current public health crisis seriously, going on and on about how she just couldn’t breathe with a mask on, and how her rights were being violated by insisting that she either wear one or stay at home. Now, instead of reverting to the judgmental mindset I’d slipped into the last time I’d listened to her, I let myself recall the stark fear in her voice as she talked about the prospect of becoming ill, about how sad she was that she hadn’t seen her four grandchildren in more than a year, about her fear that one of her adult children, who’d lost his job and tended towards depression, would sink into despair.

Instead of listening with an open heart, listening to all of her words and the feelings behind them, I’d focused on my friend’s rant about face coverings and personal rights and decided that she was being unreasonable and illogical. By doing this, I was also locking myself into a negative space, unable to empathize with her or offer her comfort. I was also pushing my own sadness, fear and anxiety into a dark corner – never a good practice for someone who claimed to exude inner peace, balance and “wokeness”!

I finished my workout, eased into my recliner, and took a good long look at my recent attitude and how it was affecting my relationships with myself and others. Yes, these were indeed difficult times, but hadn’t I long ago learned that the words I allowed myself to use mattered? I’d let myself drift away from one of my core affirmations: “Today, let me practice compassionate communication”.

Sure, maybe the current state of the world could best be described as “super-mega-freefall-flux,”but that was no reason for me to abandon my commitment to listening with an open heart, and to using words to nurture and support myself and others, not create anxiety and perpetuate negativity.

The way I see it, there are two parallel paths of compassionate communication: the way I speak to and listen to others, and the way I choose to react to the way others speak to me. The first path has to do with being mindful, not only of the actual words I’m using, but also of their intent and impact. During stressful times, the mindfulness with which I usually choose my words might not activate in time to keep me from saying something unkind or thoughtless. It’s up to me to “think before I speak” and to choose my words carefully and kindly. It’s also up to me to listen compassionately, to remember that pain and fear may also be causing others to say things they might not mean. Of course, if I feel that someone is being deliberately hurtful or deceitful, then I can choose to end a conversation, as an act of compassion to myself.

The second path involves the way I react to what I am told. I’ve come to understand that “what I’m told” includes what I hear in the media, and to address this, I’ve had to curtail my consumption of words thrown at me by public figures who wield them to create anxiety, fear, and mistrust. This sort of communication is the polar opposite of compassionate because the speakers don’t care about the negative affect their words might have on others. And with difficult personal conversations, I have several choices: one, I can agree not to take what is being said personally and simply let it pass; or two, I can choose to express how someone’s words have hurt or upset me – as long as I’m not expecting a particular outcome from doing so.

The choices I make about the words I use affect not only my own well-being, but that of others. Compassionate communication, speaking and listening with an open heart, is a deliberate choice I can make to encourage myself and others to live more balanced, peaceful lives, even during difficult times. 

By Vicky Elabd

(Instagram: @vickyelabd)