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Do you compare yourself to other people? Do you compete with them?

I used to, until I had a life-changing awareness when I was looking through a fashion magazine while waiting for a doctor’s appointment. I flipped through the pages looking at the thin models with seemingly perfect skin. For a brief moment, I thought how wonderful it would be to be young again with a perfect body, skin, hair, nails, teeth, and gorgeous looks.

Then I woke up and realized what I was doing. What in the world are you thinking, I sort of half-screamed to myself, inside my head, of course. Old patterns die hard, don’t they?

When we realize we are each born unique we wake up to what a joke it is to even entertain the notion we should be like another person. Although you have heard this before we are indeed like a fingerprint or snowflake. We were designed to be individuals unlike any other person on earth. At no time in the past or future will there be another Regina. At no time in the past or future will there be another you. So what in the world would you and I be doing to ourselves if we bought the lie we should be like other people, should look a certain way, or wear a certain size, or marry a certain person, or make a certain amount of money – or, fill in the blank.

I think we grow up comparing ourselves to and competing with others. Was I as pretty as the other girls? No. Was I as smart as other people? No. Was I as clever, funny, popular? No. It seemed in every area where I compared myself to others, I fell short.

Even though I was taught to compare myself to others through television advertising, peer pressure, teachers, and my parents comparing me to my sister, it did not feel good. Was life really supposed to be a competition with other people? How could this be the goal of life when I was not like other people? I am me, a unique individual.

Looking at those rail-thin models in a fashion magazine, comparing myself to them, felt bad. I felt less than some ideal height, weight, and look. I felt unattractive which led me to feel unworthy. Comparing myself to anyone always leaves me feeling negative. Even when the comparison makes me think I am better, more attractive, smarter, it still leaves me feeling bad. Maybe I am smarter than another person, but my intelligence does not make me better.

One of the most empowering actions I take is refusing to compare myself to or compete with others in the unhealthy ways. Today I work hard to only compare and compete with myself in a healthy way: to be a better person today than I was yesterday. I am focused on supporting people to be their unique selves and to achieve their individual goals, just as I want to be supported in achieving my goals and to be accepted for who I am.

Imagine how our lives will change, and those of our children, friends, family, co-workers, when you and I refuse to compare or compete with one another. Sure, team sports can help build self-respect, cooperation, good sportsmanship, motivation to excel, and the drive to be better through practice and hard work. But placing ourselves up against other people as a way to gauge our worth and value is unhealthy and only leads to feelings of inadequacy and frustration.

Refuse to compete with anyone on looks. You and I are beautiful as we were born to be. We can take care of our looks through rest, diet, and exercise. We can take good care of our skin through vitamins, moisturizers, sunscreen, and not eating sugar and processed foods. We can look our best as we were born to be. So it is healthy to compete with ourselves to take good care of ourselves to honor our individual looks.

The same is true of competing with anyone on weight. The goal is to feel good in your body. The goal is to be healthy. You and I are not meant to be the same size. We are meant to respect and honor our bodies through eating healthfully, exercising, not using food as an excuse to stuff our emotions, or feelings of unworthiness or shame, or to reduce boredom. We are to compete with ourselves to find the healthy weight for us, to maintain our desired weight, and to do whatever it takes to keep our body in optimum condition.

Also, refuse to compete with anyone on money. Set your financial goals based on what you deem successful. Some of the richest people I know are the poorest as far as integrity and fulfillment. And, some of the poorest people I know are the richest in terms of satisfaction, generosity, and joy. Being true to you requires you to compete with yourself to be financially responsible by refusing to surround yourself with stuff in an attempt to make you feel whole. Things do not ever fill the holes within our heart. Only self-love and respect do.

When you refuse to compete with anyone on anything you are honoring the truth:  you are distinctive among all other human beings. You are respecting the fact you have been specifically designed to be yourself.

When you allow your uniqueness to shine without comparison or competition, you will be most fulfilled. Be proud to be you! Appreciate you are the only one of you there is or ever will be. Work to be a better person today than you were yesterday; a healthy competition that is good for your soul.

Start now by learning to pay attention to how you compare yourself to others. Each time you find yourself going down the “I am not as good as,” or “I am not as pretty (or smart, or funny) as” road, stop yourself. Intentionally end your ego’s competition and comparison. Turn your attention to how you are unique and valuable as you are. If there are negative aspects about your behavior you want to change, get busy competing with yourself to stop smoking, overeating, being codependent, spending without responsibility — whatever makes you feel less than.

You have the power to change anything about yourself you want to. First, make a list of what you want to change. Second, choose one item from the list. Third, make the decision to do whatever it takes to accomplish your goal. Fourth, do not give up and refuse to compare yourself or compete with anyone – even if you have a friend who is doing the same thing, like losing weight or quitting smoking.

You are an individual. Your body, metabolism, or addiction level is different than your friends’. Do not go down the “she is losing faster, stopping faster, etc.,” road. Support one another so you both accomplish your goals. Refuse to compete with one another. Compete with yourself and support her. Healthy competition is good for your soul. When you only compete with yourself, you can define what success truly means to you.

Our greatest joy and deepest fulfillment in life comes from the relationships we have. While we want harmonious and fulfilling relationships, ideally with everyone, it is healthy and realistic to acknowledge that even in the best friendships and partnerships there will be challenges. And, it is truthful to admit we cannot have an agreeable and satisfying relationship with everyone.

For instance, you will not be peaceful if you attempt to establish a relationship with someone who has aspects of her or himself that go against your core beliefs and values. Maybe someone you know thinks it is okay to talk about you behind your back. You know gossip wounds hearts and causes relationships to fail. If you go against yourself and stoop to his or her level of behavior, and you accept gossiping is okay, you will become frustrated and disappointed with yourself. Eventually you will also be upset and dissatisfied by the person’s lack of sensitivity to other people’s feelings.

Moral conflict arises in relationships when there is empathetic incompatibility. Meaning, one person is more emotionally mature than the other. Such as in the case where you have the principled awareness to appreciate the pitfalls of gossip and the other person does not. Therefore, having shared moral values is paramount to establishing healthy relationships. When two people are mismatched on the fundamental values of trust, honesty, respect, and personal responsibility, the relationship cannot survive.

To help prevent the frustration and disappointment that arises from being mismatched in your relationships, first take time to really know yourself. Look at yourself honestly to determine your strengths and weaknesses. This is necessary because you may not have been taught how important respect, trust, honesty, and clear communication are to the success of relationships. And, if you were raised in an abusive or dishonest environment you may mistake abuse and dishonesty for love. Neither of these are behaviors are love so it is essential to know what motivates you and what wounds you need to heal in order to have successful and loving relationships.

Second, learn to appreciate the saying, “You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink,” applies to each of us when it comes to whether or not we choose to change ourselves for the better. You wake up to what you need to change about yourself through the process of inner deliberation. Self-assessment is the way to discover negative behavior that is preventing you from creating the best life possible. This same process of wanting to discover limitations is necessary for the people you love. So it is important to let go of the idea if I just love her (him) more, s(he) will change.

Third, loving others does not mean you lose yourself in relationship. Relationships are meant to help you find out more about yourself, not give up who you are for another person. Avoid frustration by going into a relationship wanting someone to live life with you, not for you.

Fourth, know people will not respect you if you do not respect yourself. Part of self-respect is setting boundaries, to say no to things you are uncomfortable with. Being a doormat is not attractive, satisfying, or healthy. Going against what you know is true and right for you does not allow you to bring your best to the relationship. Realize it is healthy to say no.

Download my free guide here, which goes into more detail on how to avoid disappointment and frustration in relationship: https://www.reginavcates.com/solutions-for-everyday-problems/

 

I was born different. Weren’t we all? Some of us have green eyes, some brown. Some are light skinned, some dark. We have red hair, brown hair, kinky hair, curly hair.

Human beings are a beautiful weave of colors and cultures, different branches of the same family tree. We are unique by design, just as no two snowflakes or fingerprints are the same. And yet, we still have a difficult time accepting, honoring, and nurturing our differences.

Around age four or five, I knew I was “gay.” I don’t know how I knew, when I didn’t even understand what that meant, but I did. It was not a choice I made, but an understanding deep within my heart that growing up and finding a man to marry was just not for me. Yet from the first time I stepped into a church, I was taught to believe I was going to hell. What a lonely, depressing, and negative thing to ask someone to believe — especially a child.

Going against what was considered the norm was not some act of early-childhood rebellion on my part. There was enough schoolyard bullying, screwed-up family life, and feelings of unworthiness without adding another reason for me to feel detested. No, I did not intentionally choose to stick out in a world where I was surrounded by people who believed their God hated me for being gay, which enabled them to feel justified to hate me too.

The judgment I encountered based on one aspect of who I am didn’t make sense in my heart of hearts. Even as a young child I questioned how, when the basic message of all faith is to “treat others as you want to be treated,” could I not be worthy? How was it possible that spirituality was intended to be an exclusive, criteria-based membership, a contest of me against other people, or a practice based on fearing some unseen, angry, condemnatory presence? Wasn’t spirituality the individual quest to connect with the spark of loving kindness within my heart and behave motivated by that spark? Didn’t that mean supporting others as I wanted to be supported, loving as I wanted to be loved, accepting others as I wanted to be accepted, and being the best person possible?

No, I was not straight. But my actions were good-hearted. I once took a dying chrysanthemum from my aunt’s porch and replanted it next to her driveway, where it thrived for many years. Another time, while on vacation with my family, rather than poke around a roadside trinket shop, I spent time giving water to a donkey tied up in the hot sun.

No, I was not a girly girl waiting to meet Prince Charming. But as a little girl I asked my mom to buy shoes for a shoeless classmate, and I asked my dad for baseball equipment for the children at the orphanage.

No, I was not “right” in the eyes of those who find it easy to judge and hate difference in the name of their God. But I loved animals, flowers, the outdoors, and sports. I fantacized about being a superhero, defending the planet from evil villains bent on world domination. As a superhero, I would carry an extra sandwich to school for a friend who didn’t bring a lunch, rescue moths from spider webs, and dry off little birds that had been caught in torrential thunderstorms.

All I ever wanted was to be accepted for just being me. But no matter how well-behaved, or kind, or friendly I was, I remained doomed for not falling in line and adopting the fearful, judgmental beliefs that were being shoved on me. Attempting to accept the limited, disparaging idea that I needed to be straight caused me such anxiety, suffering, and feelings of unworthiness and shame that I lived in constant fear. It felt as if I were slowly being crushed beneath the oppressive weight of powerlessness and hopelessness. I thought life was too painful to continue, but I did not give up. Instead, I questioned why there was such hatred of my being gay. It was just not right, or loving, or Godlike.

To survive, I learned that challenging my beliefs was imperative. The people who teach us what to believe, answer our questions, and mirror society’s behaviors are passing along what they’ve been exposed to. Love, support, and acceptance are learned, as are injustice, hate, and bigotry. So just because we’ve been taught to believe something doesn’t necessarily make it true. Likewise, just because we’re taught not to believe something doesn’t necessarily make it false. One of our most important spiritual responsibilities is to courageously question beliefs that don’t align with the positive, loving, inclusive behaviors of our heart.

Only through assessment did I come to realize that being gay is not a punishment from a divine source. Doctors, psychologists, and educators have concluded that sexual orientation is not a choice. Although there is no simple, single cause, research suggests that a combination of genetic, hormonal, and environmental influences determines it.

As far as religious references, I found that only six or seven of the one million–plus verses in the Bible address same-sex relationships. None of those verses refers to homosexual orientation as it is understood today. Modern scholars advise us that the biblical verses regarding same-sex relationships, as well as others throughout ancient religious texts, need to be understood within the context of the ancient societies that produced them. Science now offers tangible proof of why those antiquated beliefs no longer apply to our modern times.

Today I understand that growing up, I didn’t stick out at all. Born an average-looking, conventional, learning-challenged, jeans-wearing, gay tomboy, I was only uncomfortable being myself, as billions of us are. I, too, was brainwashed into believing I was not good enough unless I lived up to other people’s ideals and values.

The truth is, I did try to change, to be “normal.” And I suffered more. Regardless of how hard I tried to fit the mold other people had for me, I failed. Until one day I realized I’m not meant to live another person’s life. I’m only meant to live mine. That was the day I became free to simply be me.

The bottom line is that even if being gay were my choice, we must question how responsible it is to use thousand-year-old texts to rationalize the condemnation of those whose sexuality, religion, ethnicity, political beliefs, or socioeconomic status are different from our own.

If we’re going to create lives of love, compassion, and purpose, we have the charge to question what we believe. It is only by asking questions of ourselves and the world that we can improve from generation to generation.

Imagine life without the vast medical advancements of the past couple hundred years. Research and evaluation are how theories and formulas are adapted, adjusted, and made more reliable and applicable or wisely abandoned.

At first we thought the atom was the smallest particle of matter. Then we discovered even smaller particles: electrons, protons, and neutrons. And with particle accelerators, we discovered smaller things yet, called quarks.

Until the mid-twentieth century, we had no idea of the vastness of outer space. Then we discovered that the Earth resides in a galaxy among billions of others.

We are part of a continuous chain of civilizations asking questions and wanting answers. We come to conclusions and pass them on to the next generation. Advancing the complexity of the questions we ask, and making positive adjustments based on our findings, are part of the natural process of change.

Everything is designed to change and progress — the seasons, our planet, nature; scientific, technological, and cosmological discoveries; even ourselves. This means our spiritual beliefs, texts, and practices are meant to change and advance as well. Spiritual advancement ensures that we bring accountability, compassion, and principled excellence to the table when addressing challenges and opportunities.

No matter what is written in ancient texts, we can change what is deemed spiritually responsible as our world changes. Pushing against the status quo is exactly what each enlightened messenger has done and continues to do. Questioning beliefs, including those that hold homosexuality as sinful, is spiritually prudent, particularly since science now provides evidence for biological and environmental causes.

Emerging on the other side of such a painful journey, I learned that the divine power I believe in manifests itself as love. Love does not judge others; not by sexual orientation, skin color, size, or any of the countless ways we are different.

What matters is how responsibly we behave as people of good, compassionate, and kind character. We honor, respect, and nurture individuality. We help make the world a better place by our being alive. We spread acceptance by treating others as we want to be treated. That is something God is very okay with, whether we are gay or not.

Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers…    Hebrews 13:2

Today I found myself far from home standing in sub-freezing weather trying to insert a dollar bill in a bill changer to secure coins for the parking meter. The changer was out of order and I felt helpless.

At this precise moment a tall dark Middle Eastern man happened by.  In a heavy accent, he asked if I needed change.

“Yes,” I responded. “Come with me,” he said.

I followed him down the street to his car. He unlocked the door, leaned down and reached deep beneath the driver’s seat. I was surprised when he stood up, turned around, and held out a Tupperware container.  Inside it held pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters.

“Take what you need,” he insisted. I reached inside and took a handful of quarters and dimes. I then reached in my pocket and held out several dollar bills to pay for the change.

“No, no!” he insisted.

“But, I want to pay you back,” I replied. He smiled and politely refused to take my money.  I smiled back, felt a tear forming in my eye, and I thanked him for his generosity.

We then shared one of the warmest handshakes ever and parted ways.

Jesus said, “For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.” May it ever be so!  Thanks be to God!

 

 

Long ago when I was in school studying anatomy, I had the privilege of dissecting a female body in a quiet setting.  She looked to have been in her seventies or eighties when she died, frail and thin.  What was interesting to me was the pronounced lump in the back of her neck, noticeable when we turned her on her belly.  This is sometimes known to be called a “dowager’s hump” – a term I really hate.

This protrusion growing over C7/T1, is actually a postural issue created when the heavy skull sits in a forward head position.  When the head doesn’t sit directly on top of the Atlas – the C-shaped first cervical vertebra – it glides forward; the body, in its wisdom, brings in connective tissue to cover the pronounced spinous processes of those vertebral bodies to hold the head in place.

Although that “lump” might look like new bone growing in a woman who might be osteoporotic, it’s actually soft tissue that would completely go away if her head was retracted directly on top of her spine, instead of protracted forward. 

Depressed, or looking at your phone? 

What I learned early in my training was that our bodies are plastic, able to conform to the shapes we often use.  This malleable tendency is created by our connective tissue – that soft tissue that shapes us.  Connective tissue has several different qualities:  It can be liquid, like blood; hard, like bone; or, soft, like all of the tissues that wrap our muscles, ligaments, tendons and bones.  This type of soft tissue actually holds us together, allowing us to be flexible.

When we “overuse” our muscles, for instance, our bodies target the area with more connective tissue, creating a rigidity that stabilizes and protects the area.  Those places can feel “lumpy” and sensitive.

The good news… 

The good news is that because CT is so malleable, we can change its shape easily by changing behavior.  If your shoulders feel tight, losing normal movement, doing frequent shoulder rolls and other shoulder movements with mindfulness, will eventually break through the stiff CT, liquefying and softening it.

Because we live with the heavy weight of Gravity upon us nearly 24/7, it’s important to consider Ida Rolf’s idea of stacking the joints like blocks or McKenzie’s head retraction exercises, pulling the ears back to meet the shoulders.

As Charlie Brown reminds us, our bodies are influenced by our emotions ; we tend to flex forward when we feel sad, or open and expand when we feel happy and proud.  Changing into an expansive body position can shift our mood into a positive place if we have have been feeling depressed.  By now we should all realize that the body and mind communicate. 

The magnificent Jane Goodall… 

“It’s been an amazing journey, this life of mine.  This planet has filled me with the wonder of all living things, great and small.  We cannot ignore this Earth that surrounds us, that feeds us, shelters us, replenishes our bodies and souls and stretches our imaginations….Where animals, plants and air all care for us. 

We’re all connected – people, animals and our environment.  When Nature suffers, we suffer and when Nature flourishes, we all flourish.” -Jane Goodall 

Jane Goodall just won the prestigious Templeton Prize, for a lifetime’s work on saving the lives of the chimps – our closest primate relatives.  I’m putting this section about Jane Goodall into this blog because of her work.  We can see the similarities between us and the chimps just by looking at how our structures have evolved.  According to Jane, Chimps are similar to humans in these ways:

-They can live to be 60 years old;

-They use sounds, gestures and movements to communicate;

-They have sophisticated cooperation between one another;

-They understand suffering and emotions;

-They recognize themselves.

We share 98.6% of our DNA with the chimps, including similar brain structure and immunity.  They form family relationships and suckle their young for 5 years.

There is a blurry line between us and the chimps, especially when we now see our posture folding into chimp shape as we drop into “tech neck”…

 

https://www.instagram.com/drrpotters/?hl=en

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March 2022 marks two years since the world changed.

On March 11, 2020, was my significant marker. One of my jobs told me not to come in. As we all know things proceeded to shut down across our collective worlds. It was a deadly game of dominoes, a vision of synchronistic energy flow. Once the first spread began a pandemic of dis-ease erupted on many levels.

Since everything is an acronym, I’ll sarcastically join the crowd. Henceforth in this blog, EFU = Exquisite F**# U. I trust we all know what that means. Saying F**# U to someone is personal. Many of us, myself included, often feel like the victim in situations. Our experiences have definitely been different. We are reminded daily, however, that we have all been isolated.

I call it exquisite because it’s been about solitude. We felt what it’s like to really live alone. You found out how much you love or hate that. You had time to get to know yourself and maybe make some adjustments. Some of us experienced spending lots of time with our partners, parents and/or children. We found out if we really liked those people. Dealing with patience is inevitable from Trader Joe’s to vaccine sites.

Isolation unearths feelings that were easily masked in the old days of normal life. Unless you have been a monk, cloistered nun, a prisoner punished with solitary confinement, or chosen an isolated retreat, etc., this is different. This has been unlike anything we have known as a whole. As events played out it seemed as if this was needed.

I send openhearted condolences to all those who have lost loved ones. Blessed be the mothers, fathers, children, sisters, brothers, aunts, grandparents and friends that have transitioned. I lost my Mother on February 22, 2020. She was 100 1/2years young! I flew in to help with arrangements without a mask. When it was time to leave I was masked and sanitized. The new normal had begun.

Maybe you don’t think our situation has been exquisite in any way. We all have different feelings and see things from our own perspective. I’ve chosen to challenge some of my old ways and have been working on getting rid of some behaviors and belief systems that are outdated for reaching my dreams. I’m
working on more openness to things I don’t understand with less judgement and more discernment.

GIFTS are in the EFU 

I found gifts in this transitional void. I realized I was a person that “eked out silver linings” or you could say a person who looked at life, most of the time, with her “glass half filled.” Maybe you’re thinking, of course, that’s the way to go. That idea is not for everybody. I had a client say to me years ago…”Ohhh you are one of those glass half-filled people,” as if it was a bad thing.

I want to move through life and all of its challenges in a more positive way. Learning to recognize smiling eyes above a mask is a gift. Each breath is a gift. I’m gifted with my health at this moment, and not taking it for granted.

I could see a gift in all the time I had with my Mother and all she had done for me. I chose to make a gift out of forgiving all that she didn’t do for me. I enjoyed the gift of getting closer to my big sister and nephew as we dealt with Mom’s transition. I continue to work on the gift of forgiveness towards myself for not being able to do all that I wanted for her when she was alive. Mom’s neighbors shared how much she meant to them in her assisted living residence. I was told that she always had a smile and went out of her way to help those who were mostly younger than her.

The gift of love never dies, yet it’s hard to lose our loved ones. Their love and support lives beyond the veil.

A Life Taken Becomes a Sacrificial Marker for Change

On May 31, 2020, Derrick Chauvin and officers made a heinous statement by kneeling on a man’s neck until he died. Hatred tore open old wounds as we witnessed the malicious murder of George Floyd. My DNA ached with loss, years of rage, and hopelessness. There was blood on the cotton before it was picked.

Supremacist violence is America’s fiber. We were asked to examine privilege.

How can we make a difference? We were all asked to look deeply at ourselves. We certainly had the time and we must continue to keep the tough conversations alive. The world protested their pain because WE ALL lost a fellow human that day. Via text and social media, Angelenos held a vigil, one night. We stood in silence in front of our home for 8 minutes and 46 seconds.

Our broken hearts grieving, we cried imagining our breath being taken away. Intolerance prevails. Hatred and ignorance destroyed Senate chambers. Violence prevails in the LGBTQ and Asian communities. Injustices towards Native Americans, all peoples of color and women continues.

I humbly ask for us all to attempt to see more gifts in each and every moment. Let’s start with the gift of breathing. Each thing we learn is a gift. We have the awe inspiring gift of Mother Nature. Look at all the emotions surrounding the gifts our pets and animals on the planet bring us. More and more, I’m feeling the gift of being on Earth at this time. Feel into the gift of a human being. Can we be humans loving? I embrace the gift of choosing to transmute any low self esteem into self- love. I imagine what the vibration of one-love for all would feel like and send it out during meditation. We exist here and now. We can heal together. Our greatest gift is life and the possibility for peace in each moment.

Let’s fill our lungs with air as we fill our beings with gratitude. We can glean lessons, if we are willing, from the challenges.

There is only love or fear. Choose Love.

Lauren Haze

Xaltedbody.com

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“Regina, wake up! Pay attention.”

Growing up I heard these words often. School was exceedingly boring in contrast to the world beyond the classroom. When the recess bell rang, I was the first one out the door. I raced into an environment where my attention was heightened and everything was vibrant and captivating.

It did not matter what activity was planned for the day. From kickball and baseball to board games, play released me from the captivity of the classroom routine. It gave me the delightful freedom to move and be amused.

On weekends I went wild for play. Piling into the car on Sunday afternoons, we took off with my best friend, his brother, my sister, and our moms. The winding road to the park reminded me of a snake weaving in and out of tall grass. Passing duck ponds, a golf course, and a rodeo arena, we arrived at a place without swings, slides, or merry-go-rounds, yet it was a playground full of adventure.

The unspoiled Guadalupe riverbank was teaming with opportunity. Thick vines cascaded from sturdy live oaks that lined the river’s edge. Run-off channels rose from the river up to the street.

“I’m a pioneer!” my best friend exclaimed, scurrying up the gully on a mission to discover uncharted territory. Following quickly behind, I searched for wildlife.

It seemed only moments had passed when a car honk signaled the roundup to return home. Taking a final glance as our car reached the top of the hill, I realized it was going to be at least six days before we returned to the wonder of that playful place.

As a child, I was expected and encouraged to spend time entertaining myself in activities. Play remained a big part of my life as I grew into young adulthood, with softball, basketball, and other team sports. When I entered college, I continued recreational activities like tennis and volleyball.

As I moved into the world of work, home, and adult responsibilities, the activities of my youth were replaced with gardening and amateur landscape design. I enjoyed riding my mountain bike along wilderness trails, canoeing down the rivers of Alabama, and holding marathon card games with friends.

Then I got caught up in the race of life. Working too long and too hard to create what I thought was a successful life took its toll. Overworked, I was tired all the time, stressed, and consistently cranky. My relationships suffered because I was not budgeting any regular periods of recreational time.

One day I made myself take a break from the “all work and no play” routine. Taking my dogs on a long walk along the lake in a nearby national forest took me back to the days along the river with my friend. Memories of how it felt to be a child, regularly engrossed in playful activities, made me smile.

It was then I realized the time I took off from my busy life was not a waste at all. During the “down times” I get some of my most creative inspiration, renew my spirit, and feel relaxed and peaceful.

Today play is an important part of my life. I gather friends for cookouts and board games. I also enjoy gardening and birdwatching. Once a month I join friends for an outing to a museum or botanical garden. Three or four times a week I exercise at the gym. Each day around noon I take a walk through our neighborhood and spend time in the natural world.

Too often we get so caught up in the adult responsibilities of life that we dismiss the idea of recreational time with the belief that play is for children. Not true. Research suggests play is an important part of life, whether we are children or adults.

According to the National Institute for Play, “Play can dramatically transform our personal health and relationships, generate optimism, give our immune system a boost, relieve depression, foster empathy, and lessen stress.”

Make time to play. Give yourself permission to be a child again. Permit yourself to return to a more innocent time in life, when doing something just for fun was encouraged and welcomed. No matter what activity you choose, do something on a regular basis to bring pleasure to your heart. Doing so is not a waste. It is a vital part of creating a joyful life.

Jean and Reagan were unable to have children of their own, so they adopted me.

Since I was adopted three days after my birth, I knew nothing about my heritage. To find out about my ancestors, I did a deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA) test and discovered my genetic family dates back thousands of years. It was interesting to learn some of my ancestors were not white. They had dark skin.

In fact, I am a descendant of “Cheddar man,” a fossil unearthed in 1903 in Gough’s Cave, located in Somerset’s Cheddar Gorge, England. Thanks to leading-edge scientific analysis, we now know my very distant relative lived around 10,000 years ago and had dark brown skin and blue eyes.

In addition, I have another ancestor who lived between 1690 and 1780 who was one hundred percent West African black. And another who lived in the early1800s who was one hundred percent Native American. Rounding out my DNA ancestors are people who were Iberian, Balkan, Irish, English, French, German, and Scandinavian.

To love God and love one another like God desires we do, let’s recognize that having a skin color of white, black, or brown does not mean all of our ancestors were white, black, or brown. We also appreciate our skin is made up of three layers, with the color being found only in the outermost layer, the epidermis.

The job of skin pigment is to protect us from the sun’s ultraviolet rays. Dark skin is more effective at sun protection, while light skin is better at making more vitamin D using less sunlight. Our ancestors’ skin pigment changed over thousands of years due to their migration patterns and how they processed vitamin D. This is how our ancestors’ skin color adapted as they migrated out of Africa to populate the planet.

Isn’t it logical and loving to appreciate, and teach children, it is God’s design each of us—black, brown, and white—can trace our common dark-skinned ancestors back to Africa?

I am considered white, yet my DNA proves I am a combination of the colors and cultures of my ancestors. I am as proud of my dark-skinned genetic relatives as I am of my white ones.

Isn’t it logical and loving to admit we made up our race problem?

James King, author of The Biology of Race, states in the book:

Race is a concept of society that insists there is a genetic difference behind human variations in skin color that transcends outward appearance. However, race has no scientific merit outside of sociological classifications. There are no significant genetic variations within the human species to justify the division of “races.”

We do not have a race problem. We have a racism problem, with rigged rules against black and brown communities. Which means we have a respect problem. Respect for one another’s experiences and life struggles. Respect for our sameness. Respect for our differences. Respect for the idea we are to look for the good in one another and treat each person as we want to be treated.

We practice the Golden Rule by associating with people of different religions, skin colors, sexual orientations, and socioeconomic groups. We expose ourselves and our children to different cultures, customs, and religions.

When we embrace all members of our human family, we will learn to have compassion for one another’s challenges. We will listen to one another in order to understand, not just respond. We will get to know one another in order to relate in intelligent and informed ways. We will appreciate our sameness and our differences.

Viewing ourselves as members of the human race, we will no longer judge or elevate ourselves, fear difference, disrespect other people, or devalue what they care for. We will focus on living with integrity in order to value compassion, responsibility, and kindness. We will teach these values to our children as important skills they need to create a peaceful, courteous, and successful life. Consequently, Jesus would ask each Christian, and follower of any religion, to remember: God looks past our outer human shell to determine the quality of our heart.

God desires we do the same, by leading with our soul to see ourselves in all people. God wants us to value the beautiful tapestry of humankind so we can create the world Jesus envisioned.

In the alcove of a storefront, close to the corner of Fairfax and Wilshire in Los Angeles, California, I sobbed in a homeless man’s arms. I did not know the man. Most likely I will not see him again. But I will not forget the moment our hearts touched in the intimate dance of raw truth: He lives on the street, and I, in a warm apartment.

Our exchange began when I commented on his dog. He smiled very proudly and said, “Yeah, she’s great. I’ve got her back and she’s got mine.”

As he spoke, he gently petted the dog. I reached into my wallet and took out all the money I had. Without counting or caring what he would do with it, I handed it to him.

He hesitantly took it. As our hands touched, my tears began. The man reached out, wrapped me in his arms and said, “It’s okay. We’re okay out here. Thank you for caring.”

As I turned to leave, he said, “I love you.”

I looked him in the eyes and said, “I love you too.”

Until then I had never said “I love you,” to a complete stranger, someone I had just met and with whom I had exchanged only a few brief moments of conversation. However, when I spontaneously responded to the man with “I love you,” I meant it from the bottom of my heart and with every part of my being.

There was no judgment. My soul was simply wide open, and the pure, honest emotion of caring deeply for the man came pouring out.

Each of us experiences countless transformational moments in life. Occasions when we are given the opportunity to advance the ability we have, as soul, to let unconditional love move through us without allowing fear, judgment, or expectation to stop us.

This was one of my moments, and I took it. I saw him and his dog and could have passed them by. But I heard my heart say, See him and tell him he is seen!

My choice to listen to and act upon love’s direction opened me to a lesson I was only able to learn with the willingness to experience the sincerity of our exchange. Holding the man and allowing him to hold me birthed a deep and profound understanding of what it means to be vulnerable to caring, without expectations or conditions. The kind of affection we want to experience. The depth of intimacy we long for. The magnificent feeling of being connected to unconditional love, within ourselves and in another human being.

I remember when I was young, my mother said, “We never know if someone we meet may be one of God’s angels.” My sweet, homeless man was an angel. He was a messenger of wisdom who taught me love is more than caring and affection for those closest to us.

Certainly the close relationships we have are the most important part of life. We have a deep fondness and a personal attachment to some people and pets. They are special to us and add to our life. We definitely would miss them if they were no longer around.

Yet no matter how deeply we care for our family and friends, every exchange we have with another human being, animal, and the natural world is an opportunity to fully feel our magnificent heart-connection to all that is alive. Because love is who we are, when we allow ourselves to be it.

Some people think we should pray for God to take care of what is wrong with society and our world. Prayer is excellent, as long as we realize God is waiting for us to fix what is wrong; to fix what we created.

You and I may not have personally created everything negative in society. But as part of our human family, we collectively allow global negatives, such as corruption, greed, environmental destruction, denial of history, misogyny, injustice, discrimination, political tyranny, abuses of power, dishonesty, and inequity, to exist.

Regardless what negatives we are challenged to face, first we have to admit there is no superhero coming to our rescue. God gave each of us the strength and willpower to change our lives, relationships, and world for the better. So God is waiting for each of us to step up and take the positive actions necessary every day to be the inclusive, peaceful, and loving change we want to see.

This raises two critical questions:

How can we rationalize waiting for a savior to save us when we need to be our own saviors, by addressing our challenges head-on?

And unless we are dedicated to being people of integrity and empathy, how can we possibly work to right our wrongs?

It is really very simple.

GOOD = honest, kind, responsible, inclusive, humble, forgiving, peaceful, respectful, nonviolent, ethical, fact-based, and thoughtful. To name a few.

EVIL = dishonest, cruel, irresponsible, divisive, arrogant, blaming, disrespectful, violent, corrupt, miss-information, and thoughtless. To name a few.

There is no ambiguity between good and evil. On which side we stand is clearly evident through the words we speak, the beliefs and attitudes we hold, and the behaviors we display.  Yet, there seems to be a perception among some people that because we consider spirituality important and we are devoted to God we are to “turn the other cheek” or remain silent and simply watch while negative and evil consumes us.

Well, my personal hero, Jesus, certainly took sides. He spoke up against those in political and religious influence who abused power over others. And, he would absolutely do the same thing right now, and in a courageous way! His courage should be enough motivation for us to get busy in service of positive political and social change.

To love God and be the positive change we want to see in the world it’s time we agree on what we are fighting for – God  – who is on the side of all that we consider Good. Respect, equality, honesty, patience, peace, thoughtful resolutions to our challenges, and punishment for those who abuse us, divide us, limit our rights, cheat to win, suppress our vote, or seek to rule us. ⠀⠀⠀

Let’s be the positive change we want to see by being active in service to positive political change.

• We turn off hate, lies, miss-information, dis-information, blame, and divisive speech from anyone and everyone whose behavior does not align with what we consider good.
• We seek fact and evidence rather than go down the rabbit-hole of infotainment, click-bait, fact-less opinion.
• We stop blaming others or making anyone the enemy.
• We open our eyes to the truth that there are groups of corrupt people who are working to take over our government and  governments around the world.
• We acknowledge abuses of power with clarity, honesty, and open hearts by listening to those whose words and actions are based in integrity, evidence, and fact.
• We call out and punish those who are evil.
• And, we CARE by getting active in service of positive political change.
• Register new voters.
• Speak out against the abuses of voting rights in your state or country.
• Question people who simply say “trust me,” or “believe me,” and who desire to suppress evidence.
• Turn off anyone whose divisive messages are designed to manipulate negative emotions within us in an attempt to get us to side with them against others.
• Don’t trust anyone who does not want you to know the truth of their actions and intentions.
• Vigilantly monitor your children’s use of social media. Purveyors of hate and disinformation actively recruit young people through both subtle and overt racist, sexist, and anti-Semitic messages.
• Consider the positive that is gained through differing with other people. Just because we disagree with someone does not make them wrong or us right. Often, truth is what we find when we stop to consider another point of view.
• Challenge the perception that those who live a spiritual life are submissive and must turn the other cheek regardless of how they are treated. While patience and forgiveness are behaviors of living aligned with soul, so is standing up for what is right.
• Make thoughtful and informed decisions about whom to support for positions of authority. Ensure their consistent behavior is aligned with the core values of Jesus-like integrity, with what we consider to be GOOD.

American cultural anthropologist Margaret Mead said, “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” You and I are the thoughtful and committed citizens who can change the world. Because seriously, what is in it for all of us who love God and who seek truth and justice, is saving the world and our democracies.

Which is exactly what God would encourage all of us to do.