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I was 43 years old before I was confident being me. It happened only after I stopped wanting someone else to be my loudest supporter and biggest fan and I started being these for myself.

I was also 43 when I experienced true emotional intimacy for the first time. It happened only after I stopped trying to have it with someone else before I had established it with myself.

And, I was 47 years old before I found my right partner. It happened only after I stopped focusing on finding someone and concentrated completely on being someone worth finding.

I am grateful to have reached these personal growth milestones even if it took half my life to achieve them. The rest of life can be fantastic even if the first half was challenging.

Hang in there because how long it takes is not what is important. Eventually achieving peace, self-acceptance, self-respect and love, is worth each and every moment.

It’s hard watching the news about the passing of Prince. At 59 I know how young 57 is and how much life lay in front of him. We don’t know exactly what happened. In the coming weeks we’ll find out more about the cause of his untimely death. Today we are learning Prince died without leaving a will.

My aunt passed away last year without a will so I know firsthand the additional suffering Prince’s family will go through as the courts decide how to divide his current estate and future earnings. It will take years of possibly heated legal battles. Attorney fees will slowly eat away at his vast fortune. And, maybe a will or trust documents will be found sparing his family this unnecessary additional heart-break.

I know you and I don’t like to think about the end of life but please do so. One of the most important ways you can show love for your family is to have your affairs in order. Please, please, please take time to listen to my podcast on the importance of this subject. Just as Celine Dion’s husband, Rene Angelil did, getting your affairs in order NOW, is indeed a self-less act of love. 

https://itunes.apple.com/…/rys-119-a-self-less…/id935173998…

It used to upset me when people pointed out things about my manners they thought were inappropriate. I did not welcome being told, “You do not listen. You are too impulsive. You are emotionally disconnected. You really need to think before you speak. You are irresponsible.”

The nerve! Then one day my heart was open and I heard what was said. Honestly taking the comments into consideration resulted in a new realization: when I become uncomfortable with, or offended by, something someone says about me, or when someone challenges my actions, it is a red flag, a sign for me to look within.

Instead of getting angry and impulsively shooting the messenger, as I had in the past, I took to heart what was offered. With honest assessment, I recognized the behaviors pointed out about me were true. By responsibly questioning why my ego was pricked, I was able to accept other people’s observations.

Taking their comments to heart, I began focusing on truly listening to other people. With practice I learned how to quiet my mind so I heard what was being said. I concentrated on keeping myself from interrupting or formulating a response while someone was still talking.

Teaching myself to remain connected to someone’s words as they spoke also helped me learn to be a more patient person. I realized that when I am patient I am also present in the moment. When I am present in the moment I am connected to my heart and what I am feeling. And once I had the patience and awareness to think before speaking, it became easier to discern those who were making accurate observations about my behavior from those who just projected their shortcomings onto me.

Today, I work to remain aware of, and connected to, my words and conduct by listening as I want to be heard, speaking as I want to be spoken to, and treating other people as I want to be treated. Yet no matter how closely I pay attention to my thoughts, words, and actions, I am not perfect by a long shot—I never will be, and that’s okay. Occasionally someone still points out something he or she sees about me that could be improved. I voluntarily take the advice. Now I recognize that one handy tool for identifying necessary change in myself is to listen to and appreciate the messenger.

By being open to what others say, we receive gifts in the form of answers and candid observations about ourselves that, if listened to, sincerely evaluated, and applied, will make us better people. And when we are better people, our relationships will be better.

When I was a little girl I loved superheroes. In comic books, movies, and flights of imagination, superheroes defended us mortals from villains bent on world domination. They fought for justice. No matter what personal adversities they faced, no matter how big the bribe, they remained committed to exposing the injustices of society. They did so while adhering to moral excellence. They lifted my spirits and sparked my imagination:

What if I too had superhuman powers?

Superheroes are real. They are not only the superhuman subjects of fantastical stories, they are normal people. In fact, we are surrounded by them; they simply look different from how we imagine a superhero should look. They do not wear capes, or have X-ray vision or lightning bolts shooting out of their fingers. They do not stand out in a crowd, because they look like everyone else. They look like you and like me and like our next-door neighbors.

Becoming a real-life superhero is much less dramatic than you may imagine. It does not require being bitten by a radioactive spider, or being caught in the blast of a gamma bomb, or being hurled to Earth seconds before your home planet explodes. You become a superhero by choosing to master yourself through developing a positive sense of purpose for each day, for life, and for how you personally make the world a better place.

Self-love, respect, and inner peace come from learning how to travel through life in the easiest and most fulfilling manner. Finding the path of least resistance requires accepting it is your actions that create your life. Through self-assessment, you identify those aspects of your behavior, beliefs, judgments, and fears that are preventing you from creating the life you truly want.

Confronting your behavior is not nearly as difficult a process as you may believe. Yes, it takes time to be comfortable looking candidly at yourself. At first, what you consider faults stand out under the bright lights of self-evaluation. So you may tell yourself it is easier not to look. Yet, if you do not look at yourself, it is impossible to see what you do like about you. Without self-assessment it is also impossible to identify those aspects of yourself that you do not like but can change.

Getting to the heart of the matter of self-change requires shifting your ego’s focus from the laundry list of what everyone else needs to do to make your life easier to concentrating on what you can change about yourself. To begin moving past your ego’s resistance to change, ask yourself these questions:

• Do you own your behavior, or do you pass the buck for your actions?
• Do you evaluate yourself and others based on seeking facts, or do you allow reactive ego to jump to judgment?
• Are you blindly following the beliefs of others, or do you seek to establish your own?
• Does fear keep you tied up in knots, or have you chosen to walk in faith?

Don’t be upset or judgmental if what you discover is disappointing. There was a time I was not the person I told myself I was. Today I am the person I always wanted to be only because I took time to determine what was not right about me.

Only when you know what needs changing can you change your path, so your life changes for the better. Positive change begins by being truthful with you, about you. Intentionally looking within, you reach the understanding of who you are, what you value, what about yourself is going right, what is not going right, and what wounds need to heal.

By honestly looking at yourself, your heart begins to take the lead in creating your life. Your life as a superhero.

 

There was a time when my focus was on things I did not have. For many years, my glass seemed to be half empty, until I realized I was the one holding the pitcher. I changed my point of view from one of lack to one of gratitude. Through hardship and loss, I began to see life’s glass was actually full to overflowing.

Dealing with physical pain over a long period of time wore me down. After a while, life was dull. I found less joy in daily activities, and the constant discomfort kept me on edge. Every day I woke up focused on the pain. Each evening I went to sleep wishing something would change.

When I received news that my twenty-nine-year-old cousin had been killed in an automobile accident, I experienced a dramatic shift in the way I viewed life. Physical pain turned into a positive sign that I was still alive. It was surprising to discover how much my pain decreased when my focus changed from living in pain to appreciating the life I had.

After being downsized from a job, I faced the daily temptation to just give up. Instead, I spent eighteen months getting up each morning with renewed determination. I became grateful for the opportunity to return to my parents’ home, spend time with them, and help around the house. My father was dealing with bladder cancer. Being able to share these moments with him strengthened my resolve. My lengthy unemployment had a silver lining.

That lining turned gold when I found employment and drove through the gates of Berry College in Rome, Georgia, for the first time. The magnificent beauty of the campus was breathtaking. Its twenty-six thousand acres of trees, pastures, meadows, lakes, streams, cattle, sheep, and other wildlife were magical. I was instantly in love with the herds of small deer that wandered between the buildings as if they were a different kind of student. I was in heaven.

Although I have not worked for Berry College in many years, I am deeply grateful for that job. It was the opportunity that ended my unemployment. What a gift to have worked surrounded by such beauty in my last traditional job.

Gratitude for whatever happens in life—the positive and the seemingly negative—is my goal. For example, I appreciate the blind woman and her guide dog I met one day on the bus. She was smiling and contented as she softly stroked her handsome black Labrador. Thank you, gentle woman, for silently yet joyfully reminding me of my ability to see you, your dog, and our beautiful world.

Gratitude is feeling appreciative or thankful. The state of being grateful is the positive emotional acknowledgment of something you have already or are going to receive in the future.

Being grateful—for a sunny day, the food you have, a job, your partner, your pet, etc.—creates contentment, and appreciation for what you have gives you satisfaction. Being satisfied fills your heart with joy.

When you express gratitude, the act of being appreciative instantly connects you to your heart. Gratitude generates positive feelings: love, compassion, joy, and appreciation. When you focus on what you are thankful for, all stress, apprehension, and upset melt away.

Do you realize that the joy you receive from simply being alive is within your reach? It is true. All you need is an attitude of gratitude.

Slow down. Hug your loved ones. Take a moment to smell a rose. Feel the refreshing wind on your face. Enjoy the song of birds, the sound of water rippling in a creek, and the beautiful glow of dusk when the night creatures begin to stir. The more you find to be thankful for about life, the more life finds ways to appreciate you in return. It is the gratitude guarantee. Enjoy the little things, because the very best moments in life really are free.

Early spring in my neighborhood in Los Angeles is a heavenly time to lie in bed at night with the windows open. The orange trees in front of my apartment building are blooming. Orange blossoms, while fragrant during the day, become intoxicating at night. The sweet perfume wafts invisibly in on the light evening breeze and collects heavily within my room.

For such a powerful fragrance, orange blossoms are actually very small. One sunny day I spent thirty minutes picking up many of the tiny, paper-thin blooms that had fallen from the trees. Seeing them from below is deceiving. Only when I was squatted on the ground did I truly appreciate how little the flowers are. It takes quite a number of them to fill even the smallest package. But I carried on, determined. Squatting and kneeling under my orange trees, I picked up hundreds of blossoms, cramming them into a teeny ziplock baggie until it was bursting. I found a cheerful greeting card, put the sealed package of orange blossoms inside, and mailed it to my mother. With everything my mother has done in life, of all the places she’s traveled throughout the world, she confessed that she had not once smelled orange blossoms.

As I sealed the envelope, I felt the excitement of her surprise at opening the card. Of her wondering for a moment what in the world I’d sent her. Of her opening the teeny ziplock bag, and for the first time breathing deeply, taking in the intoxicating fragrance, the smell of my love for her in the form of orange blossoms.

I’ve learned that acts of kindness provide me deep contentment. Knowing I helped brighten someone’s day makes my heart feel full long after the event itself has passed.

Each success we achieve in life is the result of our being emotionally invested in the outcome, to the point that we make ourselves take the consistent actions necessary to create what we want.

For twenty-two years I wanted to quit smoking. My plans were good. Yet hoping to accomplish something did not actually make it happen. After passing up a cigarette or two, soon I’d make an excuse to have just one. Then I would beat myself up for once again not being strong enough not to smoke. Excusing my lack of commitment, I would tell myself I was not perfect, I was only human, with faults, and allowed to make mistakes.

I attempted to change my negative habits for a long, long time, until I realized I could continue “trying” for the rest of my life. Quitting smoking—or any other destructive habit—is accomplished not by trying harder, but by doing. I actually had to make myself not pick up a cigarette until I no longer had the desire to smoke, which took about a month. To stop smoking cold turkey I relied on my personal values of being aware, strong, and accountable. These and other positive values fueled my willpower to not smoke even one cigarette.

Yes, intending to accomplish something is a great first step. Aiming to improve ourselves starts us thinking about the personal changes we want to make or evaluating what career, educational, relationship, and financial goals to set. Yet the statements “I hope to lose weight,” “I aim to be financially independent,” “I propose to be patient in traffic jams,” “I plan to be peaceful,” and “I mean to be successful” still point to some change to happen at a future time.

“Plan,” “hope,” or “I am trying” gives us permission to wait another day. And when given the option, all too often we will not begin any action at all. We will lie awake at night fretting, disappointed and frustrated by our lack of progress, but we will not act. But a small shift in perspective can make all the difference.

By changing the planning statement of “I want” to the present-moment statement of “I am,” we can remain mindful of the negative habit. It also helps us stay emotionally connected to the behavior. For example, “I am losing weight” supports us in being more mindful about eating with awareness and passing up the elevator in favor of the stairs. “I am saving money” prompts us to stop before purchasing yet another pair of jeans in favor of achieving the goal of having money left over at the end of each month. “I am a nonsmoker” really does help consciously break the habit by allowing us to visualize ourselves without cigarettes. I could go on, but I think you get the idea. “I am” is a simple yet powerful positive affirmation that actually motivates us to take the daily steps necessary to accomplish our goals.

To change ourselves or a relationship, we must be willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish the goal. Change won’t happen just by investing a few hours in a workshop, a religious service, or a counseling session. Creating new, positive habits is an entire lifestyle change, and it takes time to replace old habits with new ones. Living changed becomes our reason for being, our moment-by-moment priority.

When stumbling blocks come up, and they will for all of us, do not take no for an answer. Rely on your values to support you in taking the necessary actions over and over until your new, positive lifestyle is securely in place.

You are absolutely capable of making the personal changes you want to make once you stop “trying” and instead do, do, do.

Through e-mail, I agreed to pick up and return my friend Katherine to the airport. Two weeks before her arrival, something came up that required me to change plans for transporting her back to the airport. Still through e-mail, I assured her I would find someone to give her a ride back.

She arrived and I was there to greet her. After some time together, I confirmed I was unable to give her a ride back to the airport. The news came as a shock. Nothing I said could convince my friend I had sent a second e-mail two weeks earlier; she thought I was lying.

I can be stubborn, and I can be argumentative. But for too many years being obstinate and confrontational did nothing to resolve my conflicts. And clinging to the notion I had to be proven right only added fuel to the fire in the disagreements I had with others. Through experience I learned the most positive action was choosing to overrule my self-centered ego.

It was not easy, but the truth was no matter how much I wanted validation from Katherine, there was absolutely nothing to be gained by arguing with her. Leading with the heart is caring more for friendship than pride, so I chose to let go of my ego’s need to be recognized as right. I did not want to be angry with her, nor did I want our time together to be uncomfortable. The only option I saw to ensure peace of mind was to be patient, accept what was, and allow the situation to resolve itself.

A few weeks after my friend returned home, she was having repairs made to her computer when several mysteriously lost e-mails arrived in her in-box. Among them was the one I had sent.

I do not believe it is possible for us to agree with everyone all the time about everything. I do believe it is possible for us to stay agreeable when disagreeing. And simply because we disagree with someone does not mean that person is wrong.

My friend was also right! She had not received my e-mail before she left. Yet, for many months after returning home, she was distant. She was embarrassed for not giving me the benefit of the doubt. She was upset at herself for allowing hurt feelings to invent all sorts of reasons to justify turning her back on me. She was also angry at herself for discounting my history of honest and loyal behavior. She was frustrated for permitting herself to invent ego-illusions my innocent actions were a personal attack.

In the overall design, you and I are only alive for a very brief period—much too short to waste time holding a grudge or settling for drama, fear, and sadness. When we place more importance on being proven right than we do on our relationships, we have, in essence, donned flowing silk robes and placed ourselves in the middle of a dense rose garden. Life situations and interactions with other people become masses of twisted thorns that rip and tear at the fragile material. No matter how painful the thorns are or how deeply they tear at us, we are uncomfortable shedding the robe of our prideful self-image. Without our egocentric self-view, who will we be?

With pride at stake, we do not stop to question the cost of being right. An egocentric mind does not care about the feelings of friends, family, or strangers. Wounded ego is not content unless the whole world accepts we are indeed right and someone else is wrong. And on the occasions we are the one who is wrong, our ego is not interested in voluntarily confessing our guilt; we are fine remaining quiet as a mouse sneaking off with a piece of cheese.

To lead with our heart, we let go of the need to be acknowledged as right—even when we are. While there may be two sides to every story, there is only one truth between them. Truth has a way of surfacing eventually, making relationships worth much more than egotistically defending our personal pride.

I was standing at an intersection waiting to cross and noticed a young homeless man pushing a shopping basket filled with his belongings. He had a beautiful dog with him. Then I saw an older, well-dressed man approach the young man and kneel down to pet the dog. The young man was beaming. The dog’s tail was wagging so fast I thought it would fly off, and the older gentleman was smiling from ear to ear. When he stood up I saw him hand the young man some money. They exchanged a handshake, and with one last pat on the dog’s head the older man turned and walked away.

When I crossed the street I caught up to the older gentleman and said, “That was a very kind thing to witness. Thank you for what you did.” He smiled. I smiled. For several days after I had a delightful feeling from witnessing such a loving act.

Love is more than a romance or devotion. Love is the state of aligning your behavior with the positive values of heart. Loving yourself and others is expressing behaviors like sensitivity and forgiveness. To love is to be patient, honest and enduring.

Each time you behave positively, regardless of how any other person chooses to act, you are aligned with the higher, wiser part of your being. When you behave in ways that align with your heart you create a life of joy and profound meaning.

When I was 21 I was briefly locked up in a psychiatric hospital. I became severely depressed.  At least that is what I was told I was.  Deep inside I knew my depression was the result of no longer being able to outrun the personal issues I had struggled with all of my life. Without anyone to confide in and nowhere to turn for help I retreated inward as an act of desperate self-preservation.

At the time I considered life too unbearable to continue. So the answer as professionals saw it was to medicate me and slap a variety of labels on my condition. But that only served to further distance me from a real solution to my underlying problem – self-acceptance.

While I cannot speak for everyone I have learned many things about the variety of reasons we get lost in the limitations of our mind. With our lives moving at ever faster speeds we are often too quick to reach for a drug, or to give up on ourselves, or to isolate ourselves in an attempt to cope. For me, healing began in earnest when I stopped looking for answers to repair my heart from someone or something outside me.  As long as I continued to give my power away to other people to fix my life, to accept me as I was, or to validate my existence, my life remained broken.

While one size does not fit all when we speak about moving past depression and traumatic issues, I feel it is important to remember our soul is the force that helps us overcome many challenges we tell ourselves we cannot.  While physical and emotional trials are very real, so is our soul’s power to move us past them. For me and countless others who have taken our power back we simply want to share our experience of how powerful we truly are when we truly want to be.