Author: Regina Cates

Recently I raised my voice in conversation with a young man who would not stop talking long enough for me to speak. I was attempting to change an airline reservation and he repeated the same things over and over without once allowing me to finish a sentence. He kept interrupting, did not answer any of my questions, and then tried to overcharge me for the reservation change.

I listened attentively each time he spoke. I waited patiently for an opening. Yet without fail each time I began to speak he interrupted me. This went on for 15 minutes. Finally I said in a strong voice, “Sir, I certainly am glad our conversation is being recorded because when dealing with the public you need to learn to listen so you can help your customers. I also sincerely hope you still have a job after we are done.” I am certain he did not hear me say this either since he was still talking over me.

Today I was eating at a local restaurant when a young woman in her early twenties sat on a bench outside the window.  She had several suitcases and other stuff.  She held a small neatly printed sign that read, “Pregnant and trying to get home to Seattle.” After a few minutes as people passed they put dollar bills in a cup she had next to her.  She thanked each one. Some stopped to talk with her.

Thinking she may be hungry I asked the waiter to take her a menu. I finished my lunch just as he took her the food and drink she’d ordered. I could tell she was asking him who bought her lunch but I’d asked him to say it was an anonymous friend.

As I left the restaurant she was enjoying the meal. I smiled at her and she smiled back. As I passed I put $5 in her cup. She reached up touched my arm and said,”Thank you so much.” “You are welcome please take care of yourself,” I said. She said, “I am. I’m going back home to people who care.”

Buying food for the young woman felt great.  Giving her money also felt good. But the most fulfilling part was sharing an intimate heart-moment in conversation and that gentle touch. It made my soul sing and it will each time I think of her and our exchange.

Have you ever seen a dog with a plastic collar? Sometimes they must wear it after surgery or when they have an injury so they do not lick the wound. But the collar severely restricts their vision to only what is directly ahead of them.

For many years I went through life wearing an invisible collar. My focus was so narrow I could only see my point of view. My thoughts, preferences, desires, and goals were the only ones that mattered. What other people thought or felt was not important because I was always right. My egocentric tunnel vision view caused me to believe I was the center of the universe. But living alone with my personal importance was not satisfying or easy. It seemed I was always in conflict. I had to defend myself against people who challenged me. I found fault, tore other people down in a need to be better, different, and special. It was a lonely and angry way to live.

One day someone close to me had the courage to tell me how self-absorbed and narrow minded I was. At first I was defensively angry. Later I realized I was hurt and embarrassed. Eventually I became grateful because she was right.

It was the painful wake-up call I needed to take off my “it’s all about me” collar. Only when I was free from the narrow view of “me” did my heart open so I appreciate the greater wisdom and power of “we.”

 

It took me a while to learn how to live patient in the present. I had convinced myself that impatience effected change and got things done. But I slowly learned that was not true.

Being impatient did not result in taking purposeful actions that resulted in my best life. The exact opposite was true. Impatience caused me to be disconnected from the present moment and from the wisdom of weighing the consequences of my actions before I took action. Being impatient got me into trouble, created stress, worry, and did not create positive change.

It was not easy to move myself into a new lifestyle of being patient. My mind fought me every step of the way. But I did not give up or give in. I remained determined to teach myself to remain patiently present in the now.

Next time you feel impatient, stop and take three deep breaths. Intentionally ground yourself in the present moment. Teaching yourself to remain patient is one of the most important actions you will take to create the life you really want.  When you are patient you are in control of yourself and in control of the actions you take or decide not to take. When you are patiently in control of your now moment actions you can string those intentionally present moments together to create your best life.

In my experience abuse and domestic violence are often passed on from parents to children. So when I hear people say they cannot leave an abusive relationship because of the children, my heart breaks.

No, setting a firm boundary against abuse is not easy and often requires intervention. But not setting a boundary to do things differently lets the children in the situation know it is acceptable to take a lack of self-respect and self-control out on others through abuse.

Anytime we are up against a hard decision we must ask ourselves what our behavior is teaching others. To stop generational abuse, neglect, mistreatment, and the handing down of misguided beliefs someone has to bravely stand up and say no. Someone who courageously does stand up against abuse is not only doing it for themselves but also for their children and the generations to come.

We are the ones we are waiting for to end domestic violence, bullying and child abuse.  We must look at what our actions teach others about what we truly value. We must be the one who bravely go first by courageously standing up to do things differently.

When I was young I was taught there is a hell where we go after we die if we are bad while alive and a heaven if we are good.  As a little girl and young adult I lived in constant fear. The images of people suffering and burning haunted me when I was asleep and while I was awake. I once threw a gum wrapper out of the car window and was certain I was going to hell. I lied to my mom or took $5 out of my dad’s wallet without permission and was certain I would burn for all eternity. Overall I was a good kid who was convinced I was doomed from the start. It was an absolutely horrible way to live.

One day in my late teens I got fed up with living in fear and said, “Screw it! I am already in hell living in such fear and dread.” That day I realized how much of my religious upbringing was focused on controlling me through fear. But that did not make any sense to me because fear never aligned with the loving, supportive, forgiving God I knew in my heart/soul.

So I began questioning everything I had been taught to believe. Yes, there may be an all-powerful source that I must answer to when I die, but I have not feared it in years. I decided to live each day striving to be the best person possible. Not from fear of punishment or expectation of reward. But for the simple fact doing my best each day keeps me from living in hell and allows me to experience heaven right here, right now, while I am very much alive.

 

I pray often, but not like I used to. For many years I prayed for things I wanted. Heal my sick grandmother. Help me get an A on a test. Make someone like me. Make someone stop hurting me. Please give us world peace.  Most of what I prayed for never came about. So I grew resentful and angry with the higher power for not granting what I wanted.

Later in life I realized the Divine of my belief is within me, not something outside me. So through my actions I act on behalf of my higher power. With that “aha” I changed my focus from asking the Divine for what I wanted, to going within to listen for what the Divine wanted from me. To hear my higher power I had to surrender working my will and the idea there was something outside me coming to my rescue that would make my life and the world right.  I had to listen to how I could be of service rather than thinking of ways I could be served.