Author: Regina Cates

We often hear that we are supposed to forgive and forget. While I do appreciate the benefits of forgiving as a way to cease feeling resentment against those who hurt us, I do not believe it is possible or healthy to try and forget.  The memories may continue for the rest of your life but that does not mean you must continue to give them power.

At 57 I still remember hurtful things from over 50 years ago. Yet by forgiving (releasing the bitterness and anger for what I think should have been different and how other people should have known better) I am no longer emotionally attached to the memories that occasionally surface. When a memory does come into my consciousness, instead of allowing myself to relive the hurt, anger and pain, I remind myself, “I have forgiven you. You no longer have power over me in this moment.” Then I shift my attention to something else. I do not allow myself to remain in the past. I do not allow myself to wallow in what was back then, and ruin what is real now, in the present.

This week remember that forgiveness is an ongoing, life-long process. Releasing our resentment does not mean we condone what happened or discharge those who hurt us from the karmic liability they have for their actions. Forgiveness is the action of intentionally moving ourselves beyond the resentment and anger so the memories no longer hurt our present.

I smoked cigarettes for twenty-two years. I disposed of the vast majority of my cigarette butts irresponsibly; on the sidewalk, in the street, etc. When I was downsized from an executive position right before 9/11 the only work I could find was picking up trash and cigarette butts before a lawn mowing crew. I was grateful for the job and figured it was a way to make amends for my former unconsciousness.

Each of my actions, no matter how large or small, has a consequence and returns to me. So today I do my very best to make certain I do not mind getting back the returning effects of the behavior I put out.

Do you want to leave a better world for the generations that follow? I believe that you do. But how do you go about it?

You change the world by changing yourself. I know it sounds too simple to be the “real” answer. But I am not the only one who agrees with this straightforward and powerful wisdom. Mahatma Gandhi advised us to “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” Albert Einstein said, “The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.” And even artist Andy Warhol knew the truth when he said, “They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.”

While it seems easier to look at what other people need to do to make our lives better, that type of rationalization is created by our ego.  Ego says we can make other people see reason, or change, or that we can control them.

The truth is, we cannot control or change anyone else.  Changing the world begins with changing us.   When we address and heal our unresolved issues we stop using our emotional irresponsibly to hurt our children, partners, family members, co-workers, and strangers. Our behavior teaches others, especially children, what we consider acceptable behavior. If we love our children, family and friends then what we think, believe, say, and do, will not only impact us, but our loved ones too.

This week, carefully watch the interactions you have with others.  Does your ego jump to how someone else needs to change?  If so, look with your heart to find what about that person’s behavior bothers you. Then make sure you do not behave as they do.  Look to yourself to find what you can change about you – attitude, beliefs, behavior, communication, thoughts – so you are the change you want to see in the world.

My sister, Rachel, has worked with autistic and special needs children for many years.  She is an angel and so is her dog, Zoe.  I am proud to share that Zoe was recently awarded Pet of the Year for the State of Arkansas because of her work with the children with special needs who come to my sister’s clinic.

One of my sister’s clients, a young 12-year-old boy joined her for the awards luncheon. Zoe has changed his life and Rachel felt he should have the chance to share in this speech and celebration.  Just two years ago he was at a point of complete dysregulation and explosive unrest, unable to remain in any outside setting.  Once Zoe appeared at her clinic, the young boy could not wait to arrive to spend time with her.  Their relationship is priceless.  The little boy, whose neurology makes it nearly impossible to be in public environments, joined my sister in front of 400 professionals to give an acceptance speech for Zoe’s award.

As he put it:  “Zoe knows how I feel.  When I’m sad, she’s sad.  She runs the trail with me.  She listens to me read during story time.  She is my audience when I play the piano and gives me kisses when I finish.  She’s my automated ball return when we play bowling.  Thank you for giving Zoe this award.  She’s the best dog friend a boy could ever have.”

Congratulations Zoe. And thank you little sister for being a light in the world. I am so proud of you.

When I was around 5 years old my mother cut her wrist when a big ceramic pickle vat fell off the counter and shattered on the floor. I was outside and heard her scream for me.  I raced inside. She told me to run get a neighbor. I was so scared I ran as fast as I could. On the way I tripped, fell, scrapped my knee and twisted my ankle. I managed to limp the rest of the way, got the neighbor, and my mom was taken to the hospital for stitches.

After that day I do not remember ever thinking about my ankle. It seemed to heal without giving me any trouble.

Many years later when having Rolfing body work done the therapist got to my ankle and without warning I began to cry. Yes there was a little pain but the tears were caused by being flooded with the memory of my mother and the events of that day. It is so interesting how my body stored that memory and after so many years it surfaced.

Our bodies are amazing storehouses of information. Sometimes we need a little help to completely release an emotional trauma that while we may have forgotten, to our body it is still a real memory.

One of my most painful lessons was when someone I considered a friend dumped me based on a lie about me that she heard from someone else. Apparently the other person was so convincing that my “friend” believed the lie despite the many years of my positive and loyal behavior.

I learned that regardless of how kind, honest, trustworthy and responsible we are, there will be people who see what they want.  There are those who are so blinded by jealously and superiority they discount a long, proven history of impeccability.  At times like these it is important to remember the truth of who we are and hold fast to that.

Don’t waste precious energy repeatedly defending yourself or attempting to get someone to change their mind about you.  There is nothing you can do to control how other people see you. The only power you have is to own up to your mistakes when you are wrong and remain loyal to yourself when you are innocent.

This week, remember that no matter the circumstance when you are innocent but are treated badly, the truth will come out in the end. When it does, the people who treated you badly may sneak off like a tiny mouse with a stolen piece of cheese rather than admit their disloyalty. If they courageously return and ask for forgiveness then you can forgive them with the understanding that we all make mistakes. Let their actions speak the truth if they have really learned and changed. If not, then set a boundary.

Over the course of my life I did many things I am not proud of. For a long time I was miserable focused on how I could somehow magically go back and undo them. One day I realized it was not possible because what was done was done. With that “aha” my heart woke up and I decided that if I could not heal those people and situations I hurt then I would concentrate on doing my very best not to hurt anyone or anything again, including me.  Each day I am getting a little better.

While we cannot change our negative behavior of the past we certainly have the power to remain strong in the promise we make to ourselves to be our best in the present moment. Being in charge of our thoughts, words, and actions to create our best life stops the mind voices of regret that often consume us. Soon we are no longer haunted by ‘I should have behaved differently’ and are filled with new memories of how we are behaving as our best now. This is the power we have to put as much distance between the unthinking old us and the thoughtful and caring person we are creating today.

One of the greatest gifts we give is that of listening to others with the respect, patience, and attention with which we want to be heard. As you speak, hear your words in your head and in your heart. When listening to others, hear their words in your head and in your heart. Allow someone to finish speaking before you jump in so you do not interrupt them or make them feel crowded or cut off. Listen to others with a quiet mind, without thinking about a response. Truly listening to another person is establishing an emotional connection with the person talking.

Today I was walking across an intersection when the person in the car at the stop sign honked at me. I turned thinking it was someone I knew. Prepared to wave I stopped when I saw the stranger’s face. Apparently he was angry with how slowly he thought I was walking across the street.  The fact is I was not walking slowly. I was not texting or talking on the phone ambling along, but with a limp I can’t really sprint across like I used to.  I was hurrying as fast as I could but apparently not fast enough for him.

Yes, I was shocked that someone would honk at a pedestrian walking across the street but it happened. And yes, at first I was angry with how rude and unkind his behavior was.  But, I took a deep breath and did not engage. I refused to ego-box no matter how much my ego was screaming for me to tell him off. It was another reminder of the truth that I am not responsible for other people’s behavior. I am only responsible for how I respond to them.