Author: Regina Cates

Our greatest joy and deepest fulfillment in life comes from the relationships we have. While we want harmonious and fulfilling relationships, ideally with everyone, it is healthy and realistic to acknowledge that even in the best friendships and partnerships there will be challenges. And, it is truthful to admit we cannot have an agreeable and satisfying relationship with everyone.

For instance, you will not be peaceful if you attempt to establish a relationship with someone who has aspects of her or himself that go against your core beliefs and values. Maybe someone you know thinks it is okay to talk about you behind your back. You know gossip wounds hearts and causes relationships to fail. If you go against yourself and stoop to his or her level of behavior, and you accept gossiping is okay, you will become frustrated and disappointed with yourself. Eventually you will also be upset and dissatisfied by the person’s lack of sensitivity to other people’s feelings.

Moral conflict arises in relationships when there is empathetic incompatibility. Meaning, one person is more emotionally mature than the other. Such as in the case where you have the principled awareness to appreciate the pitfalls of gossip and the other person does not. Therefore, having shared moral values is paramount to establishing healthy relationships. When two people are mismatched on the fundamental values of trust, honesty, respect, and personal responsibility, the relationship cannot survive.

To help prevent the frustration and disappointment that arises from being mismatched in your relationships, first take time to really know yourself. Look at yourself honestly to determine your strengths and weaknesses. This is necessary because you may not have been taught how important respect, trust, honesty, and clear communication are to the success of relationships. And, if you were raised in an abusive or dishonest environment you may mistake abuse and dishonesty for love. Neither of these are behaviors are love so it is essential to know what motivates you and what wounds you need to heal in order to have successful and loving relationships.

Second, learn to appreciate the saying, “You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink,” applies to each of us when it comes to whether or not we choose to change ourselves for the better. You wake up to what you need to change about yourself through the process of inner deliberation. Self-assessment is the way to discover negative behavior that is preventing you from creating the best life possible. This same process of wanting to discover limitations is necessary for the people you love. So it is important to let go of the idea if I just love her (him) more, s(he) will change.

Third, loving others does not mean you lose yourself in relationship. Relationships are meant to help you find out more about yourself, not give up who you are for another person. Avoid frustration by going into a relationship wanting someone to live life with you, not for you.

Fourth, know people will not respect you if you do not respect yourself. Part of self-respect is setting boundaries, to say no to things you are uncomfortable with. Being a doormat is not attractive, satisfying, or healthy. Going against what you know is true and right for you does not allow you to bring your best to the relationship. Realize it is healthy to say no.

Download my free guide here, which goes into more detail on how to avoid disappointment and frustration in relationship: https://www.reginavcates.com/solutions-for-everyday-problems/

 

I was born different. Weren’t we all? Some of us have green eyes, some brown. Some are light skinned, some dark. We have red hair, brown hair, kinky hair, curly hair.

Human beings are a beautiful weave of colors and cultures, different branches of the same family tree. We are unique by design, just as no two snowflakes or fingerprints are the same. And yet, we still have a difficult time accepting, honoring, and nurturing our differences.

Around age four or five, I knew I was “gay.” I don’t know how I knew, when I didn’t even understand what that meant, but I did. It was not a choice I made, but an understanding deep within my heart that growing up and finding a man to marry was just not for me. Yet from the first time I stepped into a church, I was taught to believe I was going to hell. What a lonely, depressing, and negative thing to ask someone to believe — especially a child.

Going against what was considered the norm was not some act of early-childhood rebellion on my part. There was enough schoolyard bullying, screwed-up family life, and feelings of unworthiness without adding another reason for me to feel detested. No, I did not intentionally choose to stick out in a world where I was surrounded by people who believed their God hated me for being gay, which enabled them to feel justified to hate me too.

The judgment I encountered based on one aspect of who I am didn’t make sense in my heart of hearts. Even as a young child I questioned how, when the basic message of all faith is to “treat others as you want to be treated,” could I not be worthy? How was it possible that spirituality was intended to be an exclusive, criteria-based membership, a contest of me against other people, or a practice based on fearing some unseen, angry, condemnatory presence? Wasn’t spirituality the individual quest to connect with the spark of loving kindness within my heart and behave motivated by that spark? Didn’t that mean supporting others as I wanted to be supported, loving as I wanted to be loved, accepting others as I wanted to be accepted, and being the best person possible?

No, I was not straight. But my actions were good-hearted. I once took a dying chrysanthemum from my aunt’s porch and replanted it next to her driveway, where it thrived for many years. Another time, while on vacation with my family, rather than poke around a roadside trinket shop, I spent time giving water to a donkey tied up in the hot sun.

No, I was not a girly girl waiting to meet Prince Charming. But as a little girl I asked my mom to buy shoes for a shoeless classmate, and I asked my dad for baseball equipment for the children at the orphanage.

No, I was not “right” in the eyes of those who find it easy to judge and hate difference in the name of their God. But I loved animals, flowers, the outdoors, and sports. I fantacized about being a superhero, defending the planet from evil villains bent on world domination. As a superhero, I would carry an extra sandwich to school for a friend who didn’t bring a lunch, rescue moths from spider webs, and dry off little birds that had been caught in torrential thunderstorms.

All I ever wanted was to be accepted for just being me. But no matter how well-behaved, or kind, or friendly I was, I remained doomed for not falling in line and adopting the fearful, judgmental beliefs that were being shoved on me. Attempting to accept the limited, disparaging idea that I needed to be straight caused me such anxiety, suffering, and feelings of unworthiness and shame that I lived in constant fear. It felt as if I were slowly being crushed beneath the oppressive weight of powerlessness and hopelessness. I thought life was too painful to continue, but I did not give up. Instead, I questioned why there was such hatred of my being gay. It was just not right, or loving, or Godlike.

To survive, I learned that challenging my beliefs was imperative. The people who teach us what to believe, answer our questions, and mirror society’s behaviors are passing along what they’ve been exposed to. Love, support, and acceptance are learned, as are injustice, hate, and bigotry. So just because we’ve been taught to believe something doesn’t necessarily make it true. Likewise, just because we’re taught not to believe something doesn’t necessarily make it false. One of our most important spiritual responsibilities is to courageously question beliefs that don’t align with the positive, loving, inclusive behaviors of our heart.

Only through assessment did I come to realize that being gay is not a punishment from a divine source. Doctors, psychologists, and educators have concluded that sexual orientation is not a choice. Although there is no simple, single cause, research suggests that a combination of genetic, hormonal, and environmental influences determines it.

As far as religious references, I found that only six or seven of the one million–plus verses in the Bible address same-sex relationships. None of those verses refers to homosexual orientation as it is understood today. Modern scholars advise us that the biblical verses regarding same-sex relationships, as well as others throughout ancient religious texts, need to be understood within the context of the ancient societies that produced them. Science now offers tangible proof of why those antiquated beliefs no longer apply to our modern times.

Today I understand that growing up, I didn’t stick out at all. Born an average-looking, conventional, learning-challenged, jeans-wearing, gay tomboy, I was only uncomfortable being myself, as billions of us are. I, too, was brainwashed into believing I was not good enough unless I lived up to other people’s ideals and values.

The truth is, I did try to change, to be “normal.” And I suffered more. Regardless of how hard I tried to fit the mold other people had for me, I failed. Until one day I realized I’m not meant to live another person’s life. I’m only meant to live mine. That was the day I became free to simply be me.

The bottom line is that even if being gay were my choice, we must question how responsible it is to use thousand-year-old texts to rationalize the condemnation of those whose sexuality, religion, ethnicity, political beliefs, or socioeconomic status are different from our own.

If we’re going to create lives of love, compassion, and purpose, we have the charge to question what we believe. It is only by asking questions of ourselves and the world that we can improve from generation to generation.

Imagine life without the vast medical advancements of the past couple hundred years. Research and evaluation are how theories and formulas are adapted, adjusted, and made more reliable and applicable or wisely abandoned.

At first we thought the atom was the smallest particle of matter. Then we discovered even smaller particles: electrons, protons, and neutrons. And with particle accelerators, we discovered smaller things yet, called quarks.

Until the mid-twentieth century, we had no idea of the vastness of outer space. Then we discovered that the Earth resides in a galaxy among billions of others.

We are part of a continuous chain of civilizations asking questions and wanting answers. We come to conclusions and pass them on to the next generation. Advancing the complexity of the questions we ask, and making positive adjustments based on our findings, are part of the natural process of change.

Everything is designed to change and progress — the seasons, our planet, nature; scientific, technological, and cosmological discoveries; even ourselves. This means our spiritual beliefs, texts, and practices are meant to change and advance as well. Spiritual advancement ensures that we bring accountability, compassion, and principled excellence to the table when addressing challenges and opportunities.

No matter what is written in ancient texts, we can change what is deemed spiritually responsible as our world changes. Pushing against the status quo is exactly what each enlightened messenger has done and continues to do. Questioning beliefs, including those that hold homosexuality as sinful, is spiritually prudent, particularly since science now provides evidence for biological and environmental causes.

Emerging on the other side of such a painful journey, I learned that the divine power I believe in manifests itself as love. Love does not judge others; not by sexual orientation, skin color, size, or any of the countless ways we are different.

What matters is how responsibly we behave as people of good, compassionate, and kind character. We honor, respect, and nurture individuality. We help make the world a better place by our being alive. We spread acceptance by treating others as we want to be treated. That is something God is very okay with, whether we are gay or not.

“Regina, wake up! Pay attention.”

Growing up I heard these words often. School was exceedingly boring in contrast to the world beyond the classroom. When the recess bell rang, I was the first one out the door. I raced into an environment where my attention was heightened and everything was vibrant and captivating.

It did not matter what activity was planned for the day. From kickball and baseball to board games, play released me from the captivity of the classroom routine. It gave me the delightful freedom to move and be amused.

On weekends I went wild for play. Piling into the car on Sunday afternoons, we took off with my best friend, his brother, my sister, and our moms. The winding road to the park reminded me of a snake weaving in and out of tall grass. Passing duck ponds, a golf course, and a rodeo arena, we arrived at a place without swings, slides, or merry-go-rounds, yet it was a playground full of adventure.

The unspoiled Guadalupe riverbank was teaming with opportunity. Thick vines cascaded from sturdy live oaks that lined the river’s edge. Run-off channels rose from the river up to the street.

“I’m a pioneer!” my best friend exclaimed, scurrying up the gully on a mission to discover uncharted territory. Following quickly behind, I searched for wildlife.

It seemed only moments had passed when a car honk signaled the roundup to return home. Taking a final glance as our car reached the top of the hill, I realized it was going to be at least six days before we returned to the wonder of that playful place.

As a child, I was expected and encouraged to spend time entertaining myself in activities. Play remained a big part of my life as I grew into young adulthood, with softball, basketball, and other team sports. When I entered college, I continued recreational activities like tennis and volleyball.

As I moved into the world of work, home, and adult responsibilities, the activities of my youth were replaced with gardening and amateur landscape design. I enjoyed riding my mountain bike along wilderness trails, canoeing down the rivers of Alabama, and holding marathon card games with friends.

Then I got caught up in the race of life. Working too long and too hard to create what I thought was a successful life took its toll. Overworked, I was tired all the time, stressed, and consistently cranky. My relationships suffered because I was not budgeting any regular periods of recreational time.

One day I made myself take a break from the “all work and no play” routine. Taking my dogs on a long walk along the lake in a nearby national forest took me back to the days along the river with my friend. Memories of how it felt to be a child, regularly engrossed in playful activities, made me smile.

It was then I realized the time I took off from my busy life was not a waste at all. During the “down times” I get some of my most creative inspiration, renew my spirit, and feel relaxed and peaceful.

Today play is an important part of my life. I gather friends for cookouts and board games. I also enjoy gardening and birdwatching. Once a month I join friends for an outing to a museum or botanical garden. Three or four times a week I exercise at the gym. Each day around noon I take a walk through our neighborhood and spend time in the natural world.

Too often we get so caught up in the adult responsibilities of life that we dismiss the idea of recreational time with the belief that play is for children. Not true. Research suggests play is an important part of life, whether we are children or adults.

According to the National Institute for Play, “Play can dramatically transform our personal health and relationships, generate optimism, give our immune system a boost, relieve depression, foster empathy, and lessen stress.”

Make time to play. Give yourself permission to be a child again. Permit yourself to return to a more innocent time in life, when doing something just for fun was encouraged and welcomed. No matter what activity you choose, do something on a regular basis to bring pleasure to your heart. Doing so is not a waste. It is a vital part of creating a joyful life.

Jean and Reagan were unable to have children of their own, so they adopted me.

Since I was adopted three days after my birth, I knew nothing about my heritage. To find out about my ancestors, I did a deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA) test and discovered my genetic family dates back thousands of years. It was interesting to learn some of my ancestors were not white. They had dark skin.

In fact, I am a descendant of “Cheddar man,” a fossil unearthed in 1903 in Gough’s Cave, located in Somerset’s Cheddar Gorge, England. Thanks to leading-edge scientific analysis, we now know my very distant relative lived around 10,000 years ago and had dark brown skin and blue eyes.

In addition, I have another ancestor who lived between 1690 and 1780 who was one hundred percent West African black. And another who lived in the early1800s who was one hundred percent Native American. Rounding out my DNA ancestors are people who were Iberian, Balkan, Irish, English, French, German, and Scandinavian.

To love God and love one another like God desires we do, let’s recognize that having a skin color of white, black, or brown does not mean all of our ancestors were white, black, or brown. We also appreciate our skin is made up of three layers, with the color being found only in the outermost layer, the epidermis.

The job of skin pigment is to protect us from the sun’s ultraviolet rays. Dark skin is more effective at sun protection, while light skin is better at making more vitamin D using less sunlight. Our ancestors’ skin pigment changed over thousands of years due to their migration patterns and how they processed vitamin D. This is how our ancestors’ skin color adapted as they migrated out of Africa to populate the planet.

Isn’t it logical and loving to appreciate, and teach children, it is God’s design each of us—black, brown, and white—can trace our common dark-skinned ancestors back to Africa?

I am considered white, yet my DNA proves I am a combination of the colors and cultures of my ancestors. I am as proud of my dark-skinned genetic relatives as I am of my white ones.

Isn’t it logical and loving to admit we made up our race problem?

James King, author of The Biology of Race, states in the book:

Race is a concept of society that insists there is a genetic difference behind human variations in skin color that transcends outward appearance. However, race has no scientific merit outside of sociological classifications. There are no significant genetic variations within the human species to justify the division of “races.”

We do not have a race problem. We have a racism problem, with rigged rules against black and brown communities. Which means we have a respect problem. Respect for one another’s experiences and life struggles. Respect for our sameness. Respect for our differences. Respect for the idea we are to look for the good in one another and treat each person as we want to be treated.

We practice the Golden Rule by associating with people of different religions, skin colors, sexual orientations, and socioeconomic groups. We expose ourselves and our children to different cultures, customs, and religions.

When we embrace all members of our human family, we will learn to have compassion for one another’s challenges. We will listen to one another in order to understand, not just respond. We will get to know one another in order to relate in intelligent and informed ways. We will appreciate our sameness and our differences.

Viewing ourselves as members of the human race, we will no longer judge or elevate ourselves, fear difference, disrespect other people, or devalue what they care for. We will focus on living with integrity in order to value compassion, responsibility, and kindness. We will teach these values to our children as important skills they need to create a peaceful, courteous, and successful life. Consequently, Jesus would ask each Christian, and follower of any religion, to remember: God looks past our outer human shell to determine the quality of our heart.

God desires we do the same, by leading with our soul to see ourselves in all people. God wants us to value the beautiful tapestry of humankind so we can create the world Jesus envisioned.

In the alcove of a storefront, close to the corner of Fairfax and Wilshire in Los Angeles, California, I sobbed in a homeless man’s arms. I did not know the man. Most likely I will not see him again. But I will not forget the moment our hearts touched in the intimate dance of raw truth: He lives on the street, and I, in a warm apartment.

Our exchange began when I commented on his dog. He smiled very proudly and said, “Yeah, she’s great. I’ve got her back and she’s got mine.”

As he spoke, he gently petted the dog. I reached into my wallet and took out all the money I had. Without counting or caring what he would do with it, I handed it to him.

He hesitantly took it. As our hands touched, my tears began. The man reached out, wrapped me in his arms and said, “It’s okay. We’re okay out here. Thank you for caring.”

As I turned to leave, he said, “I love you.”

I looked him in the eyes and said, “I love you too.”

Until then I had never said “I love you,” to a complete stranger, someone I had just met and with whom I had exchanged only a few brief moments of conversation. However, when I spontaneously responded to the man with “I love you,” I meant it from the bottom of my heart and with every part of my being.

There was no judgment. My soul was simply wide open, and the pure, honest emotion of caring deeply for the man came pouring out.

Each of us experiences countless transformational moments in life. Occasions when we are given the opportunity to advance the ability we have, as soul, to let unconditional love move through us without allowing fear, judgment, or expectation to stop us.

This was one of my moments, and I took it. I saw him and his dog and could have passed them by. But I heard my heart say, See him and tell him he is seen!

My choice to listen to and act upon love’s direction opened me to a lesson I was only able to learn with the willingness to experience the sincerity of our exchange. Holding the man and allowing him to hold me birthed a deep and profound understanding of what it means to be vulnerable to caring, without expectations or conditions. The kind of affection we want to experience. The depth of intimacy we long for. The magnificent feeling of being connected to unconditional love, within ourselves and in another human being.

I remember when I was young, my mother said, “We never know if someone we meet may be one of God’s angels.” My sweet, homeless man was an angel. He was a messenger of wisdom who taught me love is more than caring and affection for those closest to us.

Certainly the close relationships we have are the most important part of life. We have a deep fondness and a personal attachment to some people and pets. They are special to us and add to our life. We definitely would miss them if they were no longer around.

Yet no matter how deeply we care for our family and friends, every exchange we have with another human being, animal, and the natural world is an opportunity to fully feel our magnificent heart-connection to all that is alive. Because love is who we are, when we allow ourselves to be it.

Some people think we should pray for God to take care of what is wrong with society and our world. Prayer is excellent, as long as we realize God is waiting for us to fix what is wrong; to fix what we created.

You and I may not have personally created everything negative in society. But as part of our human family, we collectively allow global negatives, such as corruption, greed, environmental destruction, denial of history, misogyny, injustice, discrimination, political tyranny, abuses of power, dishonesty, and inequity, to exist.

Regardless what negatives we are challenged to face, first we have to admit there is no superhero coming to our rescue. God gave each of us the strength and willpower to change our lives, relationships, and world for the better. So God is waiting for each of us to step up and take the positive actions necessary every day to be the inclusive, peaceful, and loving change we want to see.

This raises two critical questions:

How can we rationalize waiting for a savior to save us when we need to be our own saviors, by addressing our challenges head-on?

And unless we are dedicated to being people of integrity and empathy, how can we possibly work to right our wrongs?

It is really very simple.

GOOD = honest, kind, responsible, inclusive, humble, forgiving, peaceful, respectful, nonviolent, ethical, fact-based, and thoughtful. To name a few.

EVIL = dishonest, cruel, irresponsible, divisive, arrogant, blaming, disrespectful, violent, corrupt, miss-information, and thoughtless. To name a few.

There is no ambiguity between good and evil. On which side we stand is clearly evident through the words we speak, the beliefs and attitudes we hold, and the behaviors we display.  Yet, there seems to be a perception among some people that because we consider spirituality important and we are devoted to God we are to “turn the other cheek” or remain silent and simply watch while negative and evil consumes us.

Well, my personal hero, Jesus, certainly took sides. He spoke up against those in political and religious influence who abused power over others. And, he would absolutely do the same thing right now, and in a courageous way! His courage should be enough motivation for us to get busy in service of positive political and social change.

To love God and be the positive change we want to see in the world it’s time we agree on what we are fighting for – God  – who is on the side of all that we consider Good. Respect, equality, honesty, patience, peace, thoughtful resolutions to our challenges, and punishment for those who abuse us, divide us, limit our rights, cheat to win, suppress our vote, or seek to rule us. ⠀⠀⠀

Let’s be the positive change we want to see by being active in service to positive political change.

• We turn off hate, lies, miss-information, dis-information, blame, and divisive speech from anyone and everyone whose behavior does not align with what we consider good.
• We seek fact and evidence rather than go down the rabbit-hole of infotainment, click-bait, fact-less opinion.
• We stop blaming others or making anyone the enemy.
• We open our eyes to the truth that there are groups of corrupt people who are working to take over our government and  governments around the world.
• We acknowledge abuses of power with clarity, honesty, and open hearts by listening to those whose words and actions are based in integrity, evidence, and fact.
• We call out and punish those who are evil.
• And, we CARE by getting active in service of positive political change.
• Register new voters.
• Speak out against the abuses of voting rights in your state or country.
• Question people who simply say “trust me,” or “believe me,” and who desire to suppress evidence.
• Turn off anyone whose divisive messages are designed to manipulate negative emotions within us in an attempt to get us to side with them against others.
• Don’t trust anyone who does not want you to know the truth of their actions and intentions.
• Vigilantly monitor your children’s use of social media. Purveyors of hate and disinformation actively recruit young people through both subtle and overt racist, sexist, and anti-Semitic messages.
• Consider the positive that is gained through differing with other people. Just because we disagree with someone does not make them wrong or us right. Often, truth is what we find when we stop to consider another point of view.
• Challenge the perception that those who live a spiritual life are submissive and must turn the other cheek regardless of how they are treated. While patience and forgiveness are behaviors of living aligned with soul, so is standing up for what is right.
• Make thoughtful and informed decisions about whom to support for positions of authority. Ensure their consistent behavior is aligned with the core values of Jesus-like integrity, with what we consider to be GOOD.

American cultural anthropologist Margaret Mead said, “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” You and I are the thoughtful and committed citizens who can change the world. Because seriously, what is in it for all of us who love God and who seek truth and justice, is saving the world and our democracies.

Which is exactly what God would encourage all of us to do.

When I was young, I often went out on the boat with my dad. He liked to fish, and I enjoyed being with him. I adored the chill of the early morning air and the sunlight dancing on the water. I was in awe of my dad’s skill as he took aim, casting the lure between the branches of a long-dead tree, now partly submerged in the water near shore.

To reach the magical spot I enjoyed, we first had to cross a big lake. My father made certain my life jacket was on tight. Then he pushed the boat away from the dock. Once we were safely clear, he put the motor in high gear and we were off, speeding toward our destination.

I did not enjoy facing into the strong wind created by the high speed. Holding on tight, I looked backward, observing the effect the boat had on the water as we raced over the calm surface. Spray shot up over the bow, wetting us. Buoys jerked up and down as we sped by. A flock of ducks quickly took flight, their tranquil morning disturbed by our waves. When we were closer to land, our boat’s wake crashed hard against the shore.

After what seemed an eternity, we arrived. My dad slowed the boat down and turned the noisy, smelly, water-churning engine off. He moved up front to an electric trolling motor that silently propelled us the rest of the way, leaving only a small ripple as evidence of our passing.

As we moved slowly, without upsetting the wildlife, I delighted when dragonflies landed on the boat. Fish swam close by, undisturbed by our presence. Once, a bird came and sat for a brief moment on the steering wheel.

When it came time to head back, I became disappointed. Too soon we were off again, zooming across the lake, our wake disturbing the water and everything on it as we went by.

Many years later, during an especially hard period, it dawned on me: I am like a boat. I too leave a wake as I travel through life. Today, I choose to move at a slower, more purposeful pace, although I have not always selected the right speed and direction—in the form of responsible behavior—that represented me well to myself and the world.

There was a time when I behaved as a fast boat, churning up waves of drama and chaos that crashed hard over me and others. Many of the people I knew in that “former life” will confirm it. When I wrote a check that bounced, my embarrassment caused me to take out my frustration on the mean old bank. Running late, I aggressively honked at the cars in front of me or became impatient with pedestrians crossing the street. When I had loud parties, I ignored the impact on my neighbors. The plastic cup I carelessly threw in the gutter became part of a swirling mass of trash in the Pacific Ocean. Lying caused people to distrust me.

Over the course of my life there have been many times I did not care about the wake my behavior created. The truth is that although I may live in a free country, I am not entitled to behave as I please! I am not free to do what I want without regard to the consequences of my actions. Action without accountability is not free. There are always consequences!

The more I allowed myself to push the boundaries of what is morally, ethically, and socially acceptable, the higher the level of negative payback I received. It was eventual and inevitable.

Extensive personal freedom requires me to operate at the highest levels of personal integrity. Doing so maintains my positive advantage within systems that often allow and encourage pushing acceptable boundaries to intolerable and ridiculous extremes. The notion it is suitable to act without caring about short- and long-term consequences is completely egotistical, motivated by the impatience, immaturity, and thoughtlessness of my self-centered ego.

Even though my name is Regina Victoria, I am not in line to any throne, or entitled to special privileges. What I receive in life—respect, good relationships, financial stability, academic success, and a good job—I am responsible for earning. A peaceful, joyful, and fulfilled life does not just magically appear. I must create it.

My actions create my life, and I want the best life. How I allow myself to behave is the true indicator of how much I care for and respect myself.

Yes, there was a time when I did not have the level of awareness necessary to recognize how my actions impacted other living beings. Today I realize caring about the wake I leave is what makes me feel fantastic about me. The gratification I receive from working hard to do the best thing for all concerned is more satisfying than another person’s praise. Assuming accountability for my behavior results in my loving and respecting myself.

At the end of each day, as the last thoughts filter through before sleep, we want to remember we did our best to be a representative of the finest humanity has to offer. Today we want to remember we made the world a better place for our being alive. Today we want to remember we were appreciative of the gift of life.

In gratitude for the gift of each day, we lead with our heart to create a living legacy of which we are proud. There is nothing naïve, submissive, or weak about supporting the ascendancy of our peaceful, courteous, patient, and responsible heart. True power is choosing to stop rushing through life without paying attention to our actions. Real courage is slowing down to keep our heart open to care about the wake we leave.

Enjoy life at a slower, more aware, and peaceful pace. Create a living legacy of which you are proud and for which you will be admirably remembered. You will positively impact other people and living things, which is a fine bonus, like getting toppings on the most delicious ice cream sundae of life for free.

I do not have a list of New Year’s resolutions.

For too many years I set myself up declaring all the things I was going to change about myself. Lose weight, exercise every day, eat less sugar, stop smoking, stop worrying, etc. Every year I had such a long list that I did not stick with anything long enough to actually achieve the change I wanted. Then I spent the next eleven and a half months beating myself up for not sticking to and accomplishing all of my resolutions.

One year it dawned on me, a long list was too overwhelming. So I chose one thing to focus on. I chose the most important thing for me to accomplish in the new year. Stopping a deadly habit.

Quitting smoking was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. For about six weeks prior to my last cigarette I prepared myself emotionally and physically. I smoked less and less each day. I concentrated on staying in touch with my feelings when I wanted a cigarette. I got honest about not finding smoking pleasurable. I chose a date. Then on a Sunday evening around 9 p.m., over twenty-five years ago, I put cigarettes down for good. I stayed vigilant. I refused to listen to my mind that told me I could have just one more. I replaced smoking with loving myself in healthy ways.

By accomplishing this huge goal I became inspired to tackle the next big item of losing the extra weight I had before I quit smoking. After successfully quitting smoking, ending a twenty-two year habit, I was empowered. So losing the weight, while not easy, was something I knew I could do. And I did it. And it was easier than I thought because I was focused on just losing weight.

You can accomplish anything you put your mind and heart to. This year I encourage you to identify one thing to concentrate on, to make a consistent part of your new 2022 life-style. After achieving one thing, then add another. Because doing one thing at a time does lead to success.

The aroma of warm gingerbread cookies swirled deliciously around my granny. She was an excellent playmate, thrilling storyteller, and creative tailor of special items to outfit the fantasies of children.

When we skinned our knees, her gentle hugs were comforting. Spilled milk seemed to go unnoticed. There was never an angry, blaming word for a broken dish.

Granny was satisfied with life. Her glass overflowed. She accepted people as they were, laughed easily, and greeted each person with a smile. She did her best to enjoy every day to the fullest. Each of her children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren were convinced we were her favorite. She loved and was deeply loved. Yet her life was not easy.

She wanted to attend school but had to stop at the fifth grade because her family needed her to work. Granny was not wealthy, lost her teeth early, and lived with heart disease. She also faced the unimaginable grief of having to bury her five year-old son.

Despite adversity, she did not dwell on or run from the disappointments of life; she courageously faced hardship by grieving, accepting, forgiving, and moving on. She made mistakes. But instead of living with regret, she made the effort to make a better choice the next time she faced a similar situation.

Granny was not afraid of death. She was focused on doing her best, each day, to live in ways she would honestly be pleased to remember. Eighty-five years of doing her finest added up. When she passed away, crowds of people came to pay their respects.

During her memorial service, her spirit was alive in the shared memories of family, friends, and acquaintances. She was praised for creating a life of joy and serenity. People were deeply moved by her humility, kindness, and friendship. Her compassion, trustworthiness, and faith were inspirational.

Each person with whom Granny spent time was touched by her open heart. Though decades have passed since her death, my memories of her have aged well.

When my other grandmother passed away, she did not leave the same memories. Her attitude was negative, her glass always half empty. Nothing was good enough. Life had been too hard.

She placed value on things. My memory of her surrounding herself with fine objects is especially vivid because I was not allowed to sit on the furniture in my grandmother’s living room. I learned not to take it personally. Thinking back, I do not remember anybody ever sitting in her living room.

My grandmother also supported judgmental television evangelists. She sent them money and was especially generous with those who desired to change gay people into God-fearing heterosexuals. At the time, I took this personally. Later, I wondered if she may have felt differently had she known about me.

My grandmother’s lifetime of self-centeredness caused her heart to close. Instead of facing life’s hardships and challenges head on, she attempted to medicate them away. She was constantly ailing and focused on her suffering. As a result, her off putting demeanor kept other people at a distance. At her funeral, people struggled to find positive things to say. It was awkward and embarrassing.

Today, I realize how fortunate I was to know both of my grandmothers. While they were two different people, each taught me by her own example.

One grandmother modeled how to create a life filled with anger, resentment, and loneliness. She did not connect the dots between investing adversely in life and receiving the undesirable in return. She spent her life looking outward for accountability and change. When it did not come, she resorted to blame and increased efforts to control others.

The other grandmother was a positive role model who showed me how life works best. Granny understood she did get back what she put out in the world. She recognized part of loving herself was doing the work necessary to intentionally change any of her behavior that did not feel good to her or to others. She accepted that the greatest legacy we can ever leave is choosing how well we live.

Each day I ask myself, “How do I want to be remembered?” Not only when I pass away and remain in the memories of those I leave behind. But, at the end of each day, how do I honestly, with my heart, want to remember about how I am choosing to live?

I knew I was gay around age five. I cannot tell you how I knew so young. Yet it is not uncommon for some gay, bi-sexual, transgender people to know at such an early age. As you can imagine, being gay was a secret I kept as long as possible. I dared not tell anyone. I knew exactly what would happen. In church, and within society, it was made clear how much my kind was despised and feared.

At age eighteen I could no longer deny who I was and I told my parents. With the intention of changing me, they sent me to a physician who sexually molested me. Then I was locked in a psychiatric hospital because they thought I was depressed. Sure, I was depressed. I had just been sexually violated and the two people who were supposed to love me, like Jesus would, told me I was going to hell and had broken their hearts.

Sadly, my parents’ Christian religious experience taught them to detest gay people, while at the same time having to make sense of contradictory messages, such as Thou shall not judge and Treat people as you want to be treated. So when I confessed my big secret, they faced their worst nightmare too.

I am certain they believed their motivation was love. Maybe they wanted me to be viewed as “normal.” Possibly they believed changing me to heterosexual would save my soul and I would be free from eternal hell-fire and damnation.

I am also confident my parents desired to escape being ridiculed and shunned themselves if my secret got out. Their words to me, “You’re a business risk,” and I ought to “Go live at the Y.W.C.A.,” revealed their concern about how my being gay would look to their business associates, friends, and church congregation.

My parents, like people who are taught the Bible is the absolute and infallible word of God, were instructed to believe being gay is an intentional choice. Someone who is gay, it is commonly believed, deliberately chooses to sin against God. It is also believed we recruit people to our gay lifestyle: another untruth.

Early in life I found out, as many of us do, two places intended to provide an accepting, loving, and supportive haven—my Christian church in Texas and my home—actually did not. The adage Love your neighbor as yourself only seemed to apply if the neighbor, or child, met a list of specific criteria. I did not meet those conditions because I was not heterosexual.

After a horrible and unproductive ten days in the psychiatric hospital, I was released. My parents went with me to a follow-up appointment with a psychiatrist. I will never forget the look of disappointment on their faces when the doctor explained to them he could not change my sexuality. “Like so many aspects of our uniqueness,” he said, “human sexuality is not a choice one makes.” There would be no praying or converting the gay away. What he would do is help me learn to accept myself in a world that does not.

Halleluiah! For the first time ever, I felt acceptance and compassion. And it came from a complete stranger.

Was he Christian?

Who knows, but his support allowed me to gain a small sense of self-approval. I began to think I might be worthy of love after all. The inner turmoil did not permanently resolve, however, as a result of this one confirmation. Attempting to fit into Christianity, and society in general, when I was deemed unworthy, became a recipe for anger, self-hatred, and emotional chaos.

I had no clue how to navigate the straight world as a gay member of our human family. I did not know how to love Jesus when my Christian religious experience told me God hates gays. I could not understand, at the time, why my parents, or anyone who professed to love an accepting Jesus, could shun me for being different.

For many years I stayed infuriated with and estranged from my family. I loathed them for rejecting me and for sending me to a physician who had the appalling reputation of molesting his patients. I detested the doctor, and men in general, for objectifying, abusing, and dominating women.

I was emotionally devastated by the illogical and holier-than-thou reasoning of those who defended their condemnation of my sexual orientation, when Jesus himself did not say anything on the subject. The mixed messages I received, and the recurring question of why none of the adults in my life was confronting those contradictions, was crazy making. Warring against me and other people is not aligned with what Jesus taught. He would also not excuse my warring against people who judge me. As a result, I suffered under the heavy burden of resentment and confusion—a weight so massive it almost made me give up on life. But I did not give up.

Instead, I questioned my parents’ motivation for taking the actions they did. I realized their desire to change me into what they, society, the Church, and Christianity considered normal was driven by fear. No matter how much my parents believed they were loving me, we do not love one another through insensitive fear. We can only love one another with our sensitive heart; the soul we are.

I am deeply blessed to share a happy ending to this part of my story, as Mom and Dad are now two of my biggest fans and best friends. Faced with the truth of who I was born to be, they eventually came to a place of unconditional love by bravely questioning their beliefs. When they did, they found love to be stronger than fear. What other people or the Church think of me is no longer important to them, as they know my integrity through the honesty, kindness, and responsibility of my words and actions.

My parents always cared for me. They simply had no clue how to accept me while also following their religious convictions. They seem to be at peace with this. The only thing I now feel from them is complete and unconditional love. Just as Jesus himself loves me. But as you can imagine I did not always know Jesus loves me.