Author: Regina Cates

For twenty two years I was a slave to cigarettes. Some days I smoked two packs. Back then it was like setting a $5 bill a day on fire. Not to mention the constant coughing, bad breath, horrible smelling clothing, reoccurring bronchitis, and inability to walk up a flight of stairs without having to rest. I was only in my early forties and I was terrified of dying. Yet, day after day, year after year, I continued to justify smoking. Just like any addiction, smoking was my way of stuffing emotional pain so with each inhale I sucked in more self-hatred, denial, and disappointment.

While I hated being under the control of a tiny white tube of tobacco, I believed I was too weak-willed to quit. Until one day it hit me. I was NOT weak at all. I was strong for having successfully survived all of the crap life had thrown at me. No, I was just scared of what life would be like and who I would be without the emotional crutch I’d used for over two decades.

Accepting the fact I was using cigarettes to avoid opening up to loving and respecting myself, was the game-changing “aha.”  The truth was that no matter how painful my life had been, intentionally continuing to hurt myself was even more painful and disappointing. A little over ten years ago, at 9 p.m. on a Sunday evening, I put cigarettes down for good.

When we finally decided to love ourselves enough to do whatever it takes to accomplish a goal we will succeed.  It begins with an intentional choice to stop allowing something to control us and we start controlling ourselves.

One day I witnessed a full blown ego-battle between two staff people at my gym. It began when I overhead the sales director arguing with someone on the phone. Suddenly he slammed the receiver down, hanging up on the caller. The person immediately called back to complain to the general manager.

Then without regard to other employees or to the members of the gym the general manager proceeded to scream at the sales director from across the room.  He screamed back.  Everyone in the gym overheard the bitter exchange that included steady streams of profanity from both sides.

At one time I too believed ego-boxing with someone would result in either getting my way or the other person would admit they were wrong. However, I do not remember even one time I allowed my ego to engage another person when I actually got the response my ego said I would.

No matter how other people behave it is always our choice to fall victim to our impulsive ego’s demands to be defended, or to be proven right, or to get someone to fall in line.  We also have the choice to take a deep breath, count to five and lead with our responsible heart to find a better, gentler, more responsible way to settle our differences.

RYS 44: Do Better Because You Know Better (podcast) http://romancingyoursoul.com/rys-44/

Do you acknowledge the person in the mirror? [Video]

I enjoy cooking, so last Thanksgiving I wanted to prepare everything for the meal. My mother-in-law has been cooking for about eighty-two and I thought it would be a great gift for her to have a break. So last week when she asked what she could bring I said, “How about you just come and enjoy the day.” From the look on her face I immediately knew she was disappointed. But in that moment I was only focused on my desire to give her the gift of not having to cook.

Later that day it hit me. While I thought I was giving her a gift I was actually refusing her the pleasure she gets from cooking. I called her and said, “Elsa, what do you want to bring.” I heard her light up when she replied, “I’d like to make the dressing and Brussels sprouts with mushrooms, onion and garlic too,” she said with joy in her voice. “That will be wonderful,” I told her.

Thanksgiving is about gratitude and I am grateful to have honored her desire to contribute.  In the end I really did give her the best gift and it gave me so much more joy than the happiness I thought she would get from not having to cook.

Be open to receiving as much as you give.  Other people’s joy comes from giving just as your’s does too.  Let them have that joy.  Happy Thanksgiving!

I was downsized from an executive position right before 9-11. Without any prospect of a job in the city where I’d lived for twenty years I had to move away. I was forced to sell the new home I’d moved into only two years before. I had to leave the beautiful English cottage garden I’d built stone by stone and plant by plant. I lost my relationship. It seemed overnight I was involuntarily removed from the familiar, from friends, from the life I knew.

In the end I lost almost everything. But in the process I found myself. That is why I can promise you from experience that when you look at the challenges of life as opportunities to grow, you will blossom.

No matter what you are going through, no matter how much you have lost, there is a very good reason.  Look for the silver lining, the light at the end of the tunnel.  Determine what about your life was not going well that caused this upset in your plans.  Be open to the fact that the universe (life) is asking you to grow, change, and move forward.