Author: Regina Cates

Often control is confused with love.  But, love is not control.

That does not stop people from attempting to control us. From our career to choosing our partner, other people feel free to force their decisions on us. Often they are so blinded by what they want they do not attempt to understand our point of view and desire to create the life we want for ourselves.

The positive action we can take with someone who is controlling is to speak with them openly, honestly and candidly.  Calmly and patiently express our desires.  Remain rational and non-emotional.  That means, we do not get angry or frustrated.  Simply state what is true. We convey the truth that no one can know what is best for another. We remain respectful yet determined.

If they still do not listen or consider our position then we develop a plan to remain aligned with what we know is best for us.   It will not necessarily be easy, yet in the end it is worth it, as we are unique individuals who are meant to dream our dreams and create our own best life.

We must be self-supportive and hang in there. We stay committed to not letting anyone prevent us from achieving our dreams. It is by dreaming beyond the limitations of others that we indeed change ourselves and the world for the better.

Often I am contacted by people whose partner repeatedly cheats and then wants their significant other back again.  At the time, the cheater seems so remorseful that the people being cheated on want to believe them. Then it happens again and they reach out desperate to find out how to change their betraying partner for good

The truth is we cannot change anyone but ourselves.  People who promised to be faithful then cheat do not love and respect themselves enough to remain committed to the agreements they make in relationship.

For those being cheated on their power lies in changing how they are allowing themselves to be treated. The first step is to accept the truth of their cheating partner’s behavior. Action, not words, are proof of who someone really is.  The emotional roller coaster is created by clinging to the fantasy of how someone hopes the partner will behave someday rather than accepting repeated behavior as evidence of who the person is, today.

To protect our emotions, we must set firm boundaries. We must clearly and calmly tell the cheating partner how the behavior feels. “When you betray my trust and the agreement we made to be faithful to one another, I feel violated and abused. I need honesty and to know I can trust you in order for this relationship to work.  Please address your issues or I will leave the relationship.”

If the cheating partner truly wants to keep the relationship then setting a firm boundary may get them to look at their behavior. If they refuse to get help or to actively work on their issues, we must be prepared to do what is best for us. If we continue to allow ourselves to be betrayed and do nothing then we are saying to them that their behavior is okay.

Regardless if a cheater changes or not the stress, disappointment and disloyalty we feel must end.  We are the only person in the position to make sure it does by setting a boundary out of greater love and respect for ourselves.

It is easy to look for change and improvement to come from outside ourselves. We want our parents, partner and friends to improve their behavior.  When they don’t we get disappointed. We feel stuck and frustrated.

If we only had a magic wand life would be so much easier.  Well, we don’t have the power to change other people with the flick of our wrist.  The only power we have is to set boundaries against unacceptable behavior, to forgive, and to be responsible for how we behave.  When we take responsibility for communicating clearly, for listening intently, for speaking as we want to be spoken to, we lead by loving example.

Often other people change their behavior when we change ours.  It is not something we expect, but a frequent positive outcome from loving ourselves enough to be an example. Changing ourselves for the better is the power we have because changed people often change people without trying.