Author: Regina Cates

At one time I was a doormat. People walked all over me. They abused me and used me. I hated myself for being weak, for not standing up for myself, for being a doormat.  Until one day the resentment and anger grew so big I exploded.  But the emotional eruption did not make me feel better.  The only thing that stopped me feeling used and abused was to stop allowing myself to be mistreated.

People will treat us as we allow them to. People will not know how to treat us unless we let them know.  We can’t be afraid of rocking the boat or that we won’t be liked.  Who cares if we are liked by people who mistreat us, or use us, or treat us like a doormat?

A boundary is a limit we set to protect and take care of ourselves.  Boundaries let other people know our availability, values, and the conditions under which we will interact.  Establishing a boundary about how we want to be treated or how we must take care of ourselves is not about control or manipulation.  We do not set boundaries to change other people.  We do so to change us – to create a better, more positive life for ourselves by demonstrating a commitment to self-love and respect.

Learn to say no. Don’t be a doormat thinking people will like you for doing what they want you to do. Respect yourself enough to not go against what you know is right and best for you. The right people will respect you when you respect yourself enough to set boundaries out of love for yourself.

One of the best things I’ve learned is that there is a difference between being lonely and being alone. At this time in life I spend a lot of time alone and love each minute of me-time.  Periods of solitude are healthy. I engage with myself, support myself, and have established intimacy with myself, which means I know me inside and out and am comfortable with who I am. It is during my alone time that I am most creative.  I healed myself by being alone. Solitude allowed me to honestly look within.  Today I am absolutely okay being alone. But there was a time I spent most of my time alone and hated it. And, there was a good reason I felt lonely even when I was surrounded by other people.

I felt lonely because I told myself I was lonely.  I know it sounds funny but our thoughts create our behavior.  I was completely focused on the huge chasm between my desire for hanging out with people and the reality of my social interaction level.  I wanted lots of friends and to be popular but I wasn’t. What I focused on – my being lonely – I created.

It is important for us to accept we are never alone.  We always have ourselves.  For me, accepting I could be my own best friend, biggest fan, most trusted confidant, and loving partner, allowed me to appreciate the difference between being lonely and being alone.

Learn how to be your own best friend, biggest fan, most trusted confidant, and loving partner.  By being okay on your own you will no longer be lonely. And, people will want to be around you because you are okay on your own.

There was a time when I compulsively shopped to surround myself with things.  For me collecting stuff meant I was successful. One day I woke up emotionally and accepted the fact I was surrounded by things which never really made me happy.  I realized if I lighten the load I would feel better about myself.

First, to de-clutter required me to stop the purchasing cycle. When I compulsively shopped it was an attempt to fill the holes within my heart.  Shopping therapy is not healthy as it is one way to distract ourselves from core issues we are not addressing.  Part of the healing process is recognizing things will never provide the emotional satisfaction we want.  To heal emotionally we must look inside and deal with the reasons we are surrounding ourselves with things. In fact, confronting our issues is the only way to gain freedom from them.

Second, I went through every room, drawer, closet, etc. and selected items that were not needed or wanted.  Items hold energy.  I made certain to keep only those things that hold positive energy for me.  I sold, donated, or gave away everything I no longer wanted or needed.

Third, I made and kept a promise to myself I would not replace the objects. Instead I looked inward to find the peace, balance, and identity for which I longed.

Success, satisfaction and fulfillment do not come from what we collect but from the relationships we establish. With ourselves and with others.

RYS 046: Gratitude is the Way to the Happiest Life (podcast) http://romancingyoursoul.com/rys-046/

Can you find Happiness in Challenging Circumstances? [Video]