Author: Regina Cates

Through e-mail, I agreed to pick up and return my friend Katherine to the airport. Two weeks before her arrival, something came up that required me to change plans for transporting her back to the airport. Still through e-mail, I assured her I would find someone to give her a ride back.

She arrived and I was there to greet her. After some time together, I confirmed I was unable to give her a ride back to the airport. The news came as a shock. Nothing I said could convince my friend that I had sent a second e-mail two weeks earlier; she thought I was lying.

I can be stubborn, and I can be argumentative. But for too many years being obstinate and confrontational did nothing to resolve my conflicts. And clinging to the notion that I had to be proven right only added fuel to the fire in the disagreements I had with others. Through experience I learned the most positive action was choosing to overrule my self-centered ego.

It was not easy, but the truth was that no matter how much I wanted validation from Katherine, there was absolutely nothing to be gained by arguing with her. Leading with the heart is caring more for friendship than pride, so I chose to let go of my ego’s need to be recognized as right. I did not want to be angry with her, nor did I want our time together to be uncomfortable. The only option I saw to ensure peace of mind was to be patient, accept what was, and allow the situation to resolve itself.

A few weeks after my friend returned home, she was having repairs made to her computer when several mysteriously lost e-mails arrived in her in-box. Among them was the one I had sent.

I do not believe it is possible for us to agree with everyone all the time about everything. I do believe it is possible for us to stay agreeable when disagreeing. And simply because we disagree with someone does not mean that person is wrong.

My friend was also right! She had not received my e-mail before she left. Yet, for many months after returning home, she was distant. She was embarrassed for not giving me the benefit of the doubt. She was upset at herself for allowing hurt feelings to invent all sorts of reasons to justify turning her back on me. She was also angry at herself for discounting my history of honest and loyal behavior. She was frustrated for permitting herself to invent ego-illusions that my innocent actions were a personal attack.

In the overall design, you and I are only alive for a very brief period—much too short to waste time holding a grudge or settling for drama, fear, and sadness. When we place more importance on being proven right than we do on our relationships, we have, in essence, donned flowing silk robes and placed ourselves in the middle of a dense rose garden. Life situations and interactions with other people become masses of twisted thorns that rip and tear at the fragile material. No matter how painful the thorns are or how deeply they tear at us, we are uncomfortable shedding the robe of our prideful self-image. Without our egocentric self-view, who will we be?

With pride at stake, we do not stop to question the cost of being right. An egocentric mind does not care about the feelings of friends, family, or strangers. Wounded ego is not content unless the whole world accepts we are indeed right and someone else is wrong. And on the occasions we are the one who is wrong, our ego is not interested in voluntarily confessing our guilt; we are fine remaining quiet as a mouse sneaking off with a piece of cheese.

To lead with our heart, we let go of the need to be acknowledged as right—even when we are. While there may be two sides to every story, there is only one truth between them. Truth has a way of surfacing eventually, making relationships worth much more than egotistically defending our personal pride.

There was a time in life when I lived in fear. I was scared of dying, of getting cancer, of success, of failure. I was afraid of going to hell, of not being liked, of being alone.

Today, I can honestly say I no longer live in fear. That’s not to say I do not become afraid at times. At 3:00 a.m. when an earthquake jolts me awake, yes, absolutely, my heart races and my palms sweat as my fight-or-flight response kicks in. But I have learned that living in fear based on the negativity I am exposed to, or the trepidations of my creative and anxious mind, is no way to live.

Our mind thinks it is the wise one and will adamantly defend what it believes to be true and best. But within our mind’s efforts of self-preservation also lies that distressing emotion of fear that distances us from our positive emotions and other people, and it prevents us from striving to live our best life.

Our mind is not the faithful part of us, no matter how loudly and persistently it tells us it is. Through a lifetime of experience, I learned it is our responsible, caring, and loving heart that is the higher, wiser, faith-filled part. We discover this by bravely doing the very things our mind tells us to be fearful of. By courageously facing each of our fears, we start walking in faith, both in a power greater than ourselves, and also in our ability to deal positively with life, regardless of what may come along.

What do you fear?  What will you gain when you bravely face your fear head-on?

One time my uncle’s car broke down on a sparsely populated stretch of two-lane highway. This happened long before cell phones, and he was stuck in the middle of nowhere. He had to depend on the off chance that someone would happen along.

After a while he heard a soft buzzing that sounded like a swarm of bees heading in his direction. As the noise grew louder, he watched the horizon. Soon a group of motorcycle riders crested the hill.

Even though my uncle had not personally encountered bikers before, he was terrified at the sight of them. He had formed a critical conclusion of motorcycle riders from others’ opinions and harbored a preconceived idea that they were all dangerous. He feared they would rob and possibly harm him. With nowhere to hide, he felt completely helpless as he watched them approach.

I’ve known several tattooed biker guys with scraggly beards, do-rags, and wallets on chains, and I realize how they might seem ominous. Yet, I know from experience that we cannot accurately measure the true character of any person or group of people based on a stereotype.

Most of the motorcycle group waved as they passed by my uncle. Two riders stopped and politely asked if they could be of help. They discovered the problem and repaired it, and soon my uncle was back on the road with a new perspective on people who ride motorcycles.

Evaluation is the process of determining the true value of something based on evidence and reasoning. Heart evaluation works the same way. It involves investing time to gauge ourselves, the situation, and others from many different angles, with the goal of determining the truth for ourselves.

My uncle made a critical assessment, an ego judgment, based on little or no evidence. This isn’t uncommon. Such opinions are often formed about those whose religion, ethnicity, political beliefs, or socioeconomic status is different from our own.

But remember that opinion is not fact. Opinion is: (1) a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty, and (2) a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.

For instance, I am a positive person; but this does not mean my head is buried in the sand. It would be easy for me to develop a negative opinion of life if I based it only on news reports or the editorial commentary to which I am exposed. The reality is there are countless media sources that think nothing of altering images or even staging photos or making things up for impact. Even responsible media deliver news of depressing events right into our homes. Media bombard us with tragedy and the worst of human behavior. If we allow ourselves to latch on to the pessimistic representations of what is wrong with the world, then we would feel as if we were hopelessly surrounded by negative people and irreversible situations. We would automatically look at others with a judgmental eye.

All fulfilling relationships whether they are friendships, family interactions, or with significant others, have one thing in common – they are made up of people who have a clearly defined sense of their own identity.  Each person has a solid understanding of who they are, so they are comfortable communicating their needs and desires to others. This is why to have the best relationships possible with others, you must be strong on your own, as an individual.

Are you strong on your own? Meaning do you have a solid identity as your own person? Or do you need other people to validate you and provide your sense of identity?

These are important questions to ask yourself. It is easy for us to lose ourselves in relationship, if we do not first have a solid sense of who we are and what we want in our relationships.

To maintain a solid sense of personal identity in relationship it is important to accept – who you are (how you BE in life) is what you value.  Character values drive the attitude you have about yourself and others. Values also create your behavior. Which means beyond whatever label you place on yourself or other people place on you (wife, mother, teacher, friend), who you are as an individual is expressed through how you behave, your beliefs, thoughts, dreams, etc. And, your behavior, beliefs, thoughts, dreams are determined by what you value.

For instance, it is important to determine if you are confident or insecure.  Honest or dishonest.  Loyal or unfaithful. Forgiving or blaming. Accepting or judging. Cooperative or confrontational. Heart-centered or ego-driven. Patient or impatient. Kind or cruel. Flexible or controlling. Responsible or irresponsible. Dependable or unreliable. Open or closed. Compassionate or unfeeling. Observant or inattentive. Devoted or uncommitted. Encouraging or discouraging. Nurturing or neglectful. Peaceful or violent. Respectful or impolite. Supportive or unhelpful.

Identifying your weaknesses is as important as knowing your strengths. To bring your best half to all your relationships, you must be willing to work on the areas you identify where you need to change and grow.

Why? Because if we are not truly a patient person (most often) we cannot identify someone who is regularly impatient.  Patient people like to associate with other people who are patient. We’re not perfect, and will not always be patient, but we can choose to be patient more often than not. If we value being patient and get into relationship with someone who is (most often) impatient we will suffer.

If we are dishonest we will consent to associate with other people who are dishonest yet honesty is the foundation of all successful relationships. Liars don’t get respect and trust from others. Not knowing if we can trust someone will only cause suffering. In order to trust others we first must trust ourselves. We CANNOT trust ourselves if we lie to ourselves. If we’re dishonest with ourselves we will accept dishonesty in our relationships. Each of these negative behaviors goes against the core values of a person of character who is bringing the best of themselves to their relationships.

If I value honesty, kindness and patience, I will lose myself by going against my values to be in relationship with people who are dishonest, cruel and impatient. Going against my core values leaves me feeling unfulfilled, disappointed, resentful and frustrated.  To feel fulfilled I have to live my values by expressing the behavior; not just telling myself I am a patient, kind and honest person. And I have to live my values by setting boundaries with people who consistently behave in ways opposite my core values (my personal identity). I don’t associate with liars, thieves, victims, complainers or people who hurt others. Even if they are family, going against myself to accept the negative behavior of someone is NOT SELF LOVING OR RESPECTFUL. And it does not change them, but will most definitely change me for the worse.

Through the personal planning process of determining who I am and what I really want, I realized to have the best, most fulfilling relationships, we need to bring the best of ourselves to those relationships. To be the best, most confident and self-assured person on our own, it is necessary to assess our strengths and weaknesses in the form of our values, beliefs, and behaviors. To avoid losing ourselves in relationship we must determine what values are currently a part of our consistent everyday behavior (most often) and which are not.

Today you can begin changing your life and your relationships by determining what you value in terms of love’s behaviors.  Is it honesty, loyalty, compassion, promptness, cooperation, patience? If you are impatient think about how this creates stress, frustration and does not create positive change. If you think it is okay to tell little white lies consider how it feels to be lied to, even about small things. If you are judgmental ask yourself how this helps create positive relationships with yourself and others.

Healthy and fulfilling relationships are founded upon the sharing and receiving of love which is caring and affection expressed through positive action.  To be loving and to know when you are being loved requires living aligned with the values of love. When you love yourself by staying true to yourself and what you value, you no longer lose yourself in relationship.

 

While out and about in the neighborhood with my dog Madison, a corgi-sheltie rescue, I noticed a group of young men walking toward me. They were talking loudly and pushing each other around. Shoulder to shoulder, they moved in a tight, five-abreast formation that spanned the entire width of the sidewalk, leaving no room for anyone who may have been approaching from the opposite direction.

With a cup of hot coffee in one hand and Madison’s leash in the other, I continued walking. As we steadily moved toward each other, I realized there was nothing for me to do except stop. The group, seemingly unaware of my presence, did not break rank. At the last possible second, a young man bumped into me, and my dog and I were forced off the sidewalk and into the street. The group did not stop. The young men did not look back as they went on their way. I silently collected myself, my dog, and what was left of my coffee.

In the past, chances are good I would have impulsively reacted to the young men, pointing out their inconsiderate behavior with something profound, such as, “Hey, assholes! Didn’t you see me? You are rude, selfish little jerks.” This time I did not. Today, I own my behavior.

You and I cannot control or change anyone else but ourselves. How other people choose to behave is a reflection on them. People may be rude, insulting, condescending, or deceitful, and yet their behavior is a reflection of who they are. How we behave in response is a reflection of who we are. The important thing to remember is that our behavior demonstrates, to us and to others, our level of self-discipline, which reveals how much we love and respect ourselves (or not).

Positive change requires challenging ourselves. The next time you encounter a rude driver, thoughtless teenager, or an arrogant co-worker and you behave in a way that leaves you disappointed in yourself, be completely honest and assume accountability for your part of the exchange. Being able to admit we are wrong is the action that gets us on the right track. Holding ourselves accountable empowers us to make different, more positive choices next time.

Loving other people does not mean losing yourself in relationship. Relationships are meant to help you find out more about yourself not give up who you are for another person. 

Through e-mail, I agreed to pick up and return my friend Katherine to the airport. Two weeks before her arrival, something came up requiring me to change plans for transporting her back. Still through e-mail, I assured her I would find someone to give her a ride back.

She arrived and I was there to greet her. After some time together, I confirmed I was unable to give her a ride back to the airport. The news came as a shock. Nothing I said could convince my friend I had sent a second e-mail two weeks earlier; she thought I was lying.

It was not easy, but the truth was no matter how much I wanted validation from Katherine, there was absolutely nothing to be gained by arguing with her. Leading with the heart is caring more for friendship than pride, so I chose to let go of my ego’s need to be recognized as right. I did not want to be angry with her, nor did I want our time together to be uncomfortable. The only option I saw to ensure peace of mind was to be patient, accept what was, and allow the situation to resolve itself.

A few weeks after my friend returned home, she was having repairs made to her computer when several mysteriously lost e-mails arrived in her in-box. Among them was the one I had sent.

My friend was distant and embarrassed for not giving me the benefit of the doubt. She was upset at herself for allowing hurt feelings to invent all sorts of reasons to justify turning her back on me. She was also angry at herself for discounting my history of honest and loyal behavior. Throughout the entire exchange I stood strong knowing I had done the right thing and I was telling the truth.

I learned when we place more importance on what other people think of us than what we know of ourselves we in essence don flowing silk robes and place ourselves in the middle of a dense rose garden. Life situations and interactions with other people become masses of twisted thorns, ripping and tearing at our fragile self-image. No matter how painful the thorns are or how deeply they tear at us, we are uncomfortable standing on our own two feet in our own truth. Without someone to validate us and boost our confidence, who will we be?

Today, I am confident in who I am, what my values are and what behaviors I want to share in my relationships. Yet I know what it is like to lose myself in relationship. There was a time I let the opinions and behaviors of others overrule what I knew was right and best for me. But, every time I went against my values in order to fit in with the crowd or endured and ignored abusive treatment, I suffered.

My low self-esteem caused me to look outside myself in an attempt to make me feel better. I ignored other people’s negative behavior, preferring to create a fantasy of who I thought they could be. Too often I went along with the crowd, even if it meant putting myself in danger. I repressed my own needs to please other people, and allowed myself to be treated like a doormat. Not standing up for myself showed a lack of self-respect and made me an easy target for abuse. And, I attempted to love others while not knowing how to love myself.

To break the pattern of losing my individuality in relationship I had to learn how to be a strong half of a healthy relationship. By focusing on my behavior in the unsuccessful relationships I’d had, I realized to have any chance of creating the fulfilling, positive relationships I wanted, I first had to determine who I am. I needed to figure out what type of character I wanted in a life-partner. I had to determine what it means to be a good friend and partner. I needed to know what it really means to love and be loved. And, I had to accept I cannot control or change anyone but me.

 

Self-love, respect, and inner peace come from learning how to travel through life in the easiest and most fulfilling manner. Finding the path of least resistance requires accepting it is your actions that create your life. Through self-assessment, you identify those aspects of your behavior, beliefs, judgments, and fears that are preventing you from creating the life you truly want.

Confronting your behavior is not nearly as difficult a process as you may believe. Yes, it takes time to be comfortable looking candidly at yourself. At first, what you consider faults stand out under the bright lights of self-evaluation. So you may tell yourself it is easier not to look. Yet, if you do not look at yourself, it is impossible to see what you do like about you. Without self-assessment it is also impossible to identify those aspects of yourself that you do not like but can change.

Getting to the heart of the matter of self-change requires shifting your ego’s focus from the laundry list of what everyone else needs to do to make your life easier to concentrating on what you can change about yourself. To begin moving past your ego’s resistance to change, ask yourself these questions:

• Do you own your behavior, or do you pass the buck for your actions?
• Do you evaluate yourself and others based on seeking facts, or do you allow reactive ego to jump to judgment?
• Are you blindly following the beliefs of others, or do you seek to establish your own?
• Does fear keep you tied up in knots, or have you chosen to walk in faith?

Don’t be upset or judgmental if what you discover is disappointing. There was a time I was not the person I told myself I was. Today I am the person I always wanted to be only because I took time to determine what was not right about me.

Only when you know what needs changing can you change your path, so your life changes for the better. Positive change begins by being truthful with you, about you. Intentionally looking within, you reach the understanding of who you are, what you value, what about yourself is going right, what is not going right, and what wounds need to heal.

Questioning the path you are on allows you to become aware of and eventually break free from unconscious behavior patterns. By honestly looking at yourself, your heart begins to take the lead in creating your life.

 

My children are going to the dogs.

I don’t know about your part of the country, but in the South it is the “in thing” to advertise a child’s good citizenship in school on the family automobile.  When Justin and Sara, Miles and Deborah make the list, they rush home, bumper stickers in hand, to assault their parents with the good news.

The other day, while I was reading about hundreds of the latest bumper-sticker honorees, Milo, my biggest dog and the one tardiest to anything but a meal, looked at me with an expression that clearly asked, Why don’t you have a sticker announcing my greatest accomplishment?

I began to laugh, and then stopped.

Then laughed again, and stopped.

He was serious.  You know the serious look of a dog in thought.  Direct eye contact — the I-can-take-down-a-cockroach-in-total-silence-if-I-want-to-so-you’d-better-listen-with-interest-and-respond-appropriately look.

“‘My Dog Does Not Pee on the Carpet’ does not flow off people’s lips quite the same as ‘My Child is an Outstanding Student at Bluff Park Elementary,’” I said, snickering.

I disagree, he said inside my head, growling belligerently — obviously hurt by my lack of support.

You think a human can hold it all day? We’re talking straight 10–hour shifts, minimum. You leave at 7:30 a.m. and return at 5:30 p.m., he said, thrusting a paw toward the radio and the faint orange glow of the clock.

I’d like to see Johnny hold it 10 hours, he barked. Then he turned his back and looked out the window, pouting.

Poor guy. He had a point.  I am proud to return home each day to a dry carpet, an intact sofa, and would–be ne’er-do-wells at bay.

As you can tell, I have dog children.  One of the benefits of having dogs for children is you have an instant entourage of adoring fans regardless of the time, date, or condition of the house or your hair, breath, skin, nails, face, diet, or mood.  Unconditional love — truly.

“Is that a zit that has attached itself to your nose?” a voice asks with blunt nonchalance.

The last one of my dogs to think anything so brazen was Charles.  He was genuinely concerned that the tightness of my jeans would adversely effect the circulation in my lower body.

Dogs are honest.  Hey, what do they have to lose?  To punish the directness of a dog would be to refuse one of the greatest gifts they give humans.

Anyway, how would you punish their directness — by withholding treats?  Then how in the world would you deal with the constant whining and the I’ve-got-to-have-a-cookie-right-this-very-instant-or-I’m-going-to-faint looks?

My dogs have perfected the look.  They have also perfected their human-manipulation skills.  Experts note communicating with our pets — and people, for that matter — involves both nonverbal and verbal interaction.  Just the other day my own mate growled, grunted, and resorted to loud yapping before I passed the cookies.

This form of communication does have benefits, especially when someone representing the newest long-distance carrier calls with the latest incentive to switch.

“How much is your current monthly long distance bill?” he or she says. “I personally guarantee our plan will save you.”

“Ruff, bark, yap, yap, snort,” I reply.

“Excuse me?” a shocked voice responds.

“Yap, yap, yap, bark, snort.”

Click.

Works every time, and is more polite than hanging up on someone doing a job.

My dogs’ communication skills are highly refined. They know exactly what they are saying with their thoughts.

The other evening I was watching a documentary on Egypt.  Suddenly I had an overwhelming desire to leave the comfort of the couch, go to the kitchen, and get . . . dog cookies.  I wasn’t hungry.  And when I am, even the Three Dog Bakery Scotty Biscotti that smell like Grandmother’s special cinnamon cookies aren’t on my snack list.

I have yet to determine which of my dogs is most talented at invading my mind. I suspect it is Charles. His observance of my tight pants gives away the breadth of his abilities.

Lucky and Zoey are neck and neck for second.  Milo is dead last, since most often he is satisfied getting treats and other basic needs the old fashioned way — blatant, shameless begging.

In addition to treats, my dogs get other things they want through the subtle manipulation of my mind. Often I feel overwhelmed by doggie psychic energy, although I’m not always aware of the particular source of my mental agitation.  When two, three, or all four have the same thing on their minds at once, I begin to itch.

Most often one lone dog talks silently to me, forcing me to do his or her bidding.  Got to go out now.  I’ve waited until I’m bursting!  Anyone listening?  Get up, now.  Open the back door, now.  Don’t wait another second.  You must do this, now!  To look at Charles peacefully resting on the sofa, paws thrust skyward, I do not believe the urgency of his need.

Hey, human!  Look over here, his little doggie mind screams at me.  Charles flops lazily onto his side and opens his eyelids a slit.  He’s a water dog mix with two eyelids on each eye. One is soft and furry.  The other is a blood-red transparent thing he uses for the sole purpose of grossing out his human.  That was the lid with which he chose to spy on me at this very moment.

See, my legs are crossed, my eyes are bulging.  Hello, is anybody in there? he thinks, with his eyes opened a bit more and head thrown casually back in my direction. As if posing for famed dog photographer William Wegman, he looks cute, not like a pup experiencing imminent bladder explosion.

Unaware, I shift in my seat.  He believes his thoughts have finally made contact.  He leaps off the sofa, runs to the door, and begins circling, while keeping his eyes glued to my every move.

“Why didn’t you let me know you had to go out?” I ask, opening the door.

I’ve been telling you for the past five minutes, he says to me over his shoulder as he searches for the least urine-tortured bush upon which to relieve himself.

“I didn’t hear you,” I respond.

You’ve really got to improve your skills, he quips, satisfied in having manipulated me once more with his superior telepathic abilities.

Frustrated by my lack of extrasensory communication skills, my dogs often resort to less subtle, more physical methods of expressing themselves.

The other day I was vacuuming, carefully avoiding the minefield of toys belonging to my three-month-old puppy, Zoey, when she threw herself on me.

“Well, hello sweetie,” I cooed.  “What a cute little angel wanting a hug.  Is the big bad vacuum scaring my little darling?” I asked, bending down to pet her.

“Let me finish vacuuming, my precious.” I gave her a final pat and gently pushed her down.

Finishing the living room, I moved to the kitchen with Zoey hot on my heels.  I had barely plugged the vacuum in when she again threw herself on me.  “What is it, little Zoeilla?” I asked.

With ears back flat against her head, she danced in front of me, demanding my attention. “We’ll play in a minute when I’m finished here,” I assured her.

For the next ten minutes I vacuumed, while she danced, threw herself on me, and was, I thought, irresistibly adorable.

I moved the vacuum to the bathroom and was about to begin there when Zoey came flying into the room.  I plugged in the cord and was about to give her another hug when a human voice came from the direction of the bathtub.

“She’s teaching you a lesson,” my partner said flatly.

“What lesson?” I smugly volleyed back.

“Zoey is trying to teach you a lesson,” my partner shared again, more patronizingly.

“Yea, right,” I quipped. And then I got it.

Zoey was finding relief in the middle of the bathroom floor. Lost in complete bliss, she was smiling the smile of comfort, the kind we smile with a mug of hot chocolate on a cold snowy day.

I stared in disbelief.  She was in heaven.  How could I scold her for going in the house?  She had spent the past twenty minutes trying to communicate.   Unlike Charles, Zoey had literally thrown herself at me to get my attention. She had tried everything she knew to make contact, and I had been oblivious.

Often subtle, many times overt, at least dogs attempt to communicate with us. Making successful contact requires humans to stretch the boundaries of their imagination to accept that dogs really can talk — if still at too sophisticated a level for our hearing.

Got to go now!

Please, please, please don’t make me spoil my record.

I want that bumper sticker!  Milo thought as he lifted a threatening leg.  I leapt to my feet, stumbled over Zoey, the vacuum, and the rug, and raced to open the door.  I stubbed my toe.  Hopping up and down in anguish, mumbling under my breath, I let him out — in time.

Thanks.  He acknowledged my efforts with a smile. You know the smile of a dog — a tight-lipped gesture, a silent snicker that acknowledges the disruption of your life because he wanted to sniff around the yard . . .  for chipmunks.

What does being a success mean to you? Have you thought about it?

For many years I went along with the idea of success other people tried to impose on me. I went to junior college and got an associate’s degree. Then on to a university for my bachelor’s. I continued my education and got a master’s degree.

Today I can honestly say I am grateful for my formal education. On this side, I can see how pursuing knowledge has made me a well-rounded person. But a formal education alone did not ever make me feel like a success.

I had great jobs, and with some of the jobs came a big corner office. But my life was so busy with work my relationships suffered. I had no time to play or spend quality time with my partner, friends, and pets.

I got the nice house, fancy car, and stylish wardrobe. Even though I had a good well-paying job, I spent way beyond my means. What I wore, what I drove, where I lived became more important than being financially responsible.

I grew up with family, television, and advertisers telling me surrounding myself with things is what it means to be successful. So I blindly followed the crowd. I attempted to keep up with an unrealistic standard of what it means to be successful, as defined by other people.

Honestly, would you consider someone a success who is $35,000 in credit card debt? Someone who could not afford regular health check-ups, dental examinations, or visits to the vet for her pets? Would you think I was successful when I could not afford to take a vacation? Someone who lay awake at night in a panic from fear of how I was going to pay off all the debt?

I am now debt free. I paid all of the $35,000 back. It was important for me to do so, because assuming responsibility for my actions taught me what it really means to be successful.

We live in a consumerist world that deems us successful when we attain wealth, honors, notoriety, a big house, big car, excellent education, and other things. If we wear a certain size, drive a certain model luxury car, live in a certain neighborhood, etc., we are considered a success. But things, titles, and neighborhoods are not who we are.

Things do not feel. Things do not provide genuine validation of who we are. Things do not establish us as people who are truly admirable. Things are sold to us by people who are in the business of selling things. Merchants attempt to dictate what we think it means to be successful based on the items they sell.

The same is true of fashion and what size we are supposed to be. But what if we do not fit the mold or model of their standard? Are we a failure? We are led to believe so.

Defining what success means to me was one of the most important acts of self-love and respect I undertook. Why? Because it helped me understand loving and respecting myself have nothing to do with what other people think of me. It took time to realize it was a lack of self-love and self-acceptance that caused me a great amount of suffering.

There was a time I was codependent and craved the validation of other people. But never once did I feel validated by other people. They could shower me with praise, but as long as I doubted my own worthiness, all the praise and validation in the world did not make a lasting difference. Only when I began to feel worthy could I accept the praise of others. Meaning, I had earned feeling worthy.

Success is a term with no real meaning until we take time to determine what it means to us. Today I am successful, not because other people tell me I am or because I have attained wealth, honors, degrees, etc. I now know lasting feelings of satisfaction and worthiness are based on what I offer, who I am, what character values motivate my behavior, and what I leave as my legacy.  It is certainly okay to have money and to purchase things, but true success cannot be purchased. True success comes from feeling worthy for simply being ourselves. Feeling successful comes from being responsible for each area of our life and working to achieve the goals we set for ourselves.

Love yourself by taking time to define success for yourself. Refuse to believe anyone who says you are a success only when you have achieved their idea of accomplishment. You will not be fulfilled working for the goals of someone else. You find inner peace and self-respect when you set your own standard of success.

Do you compare yourself to other people? Do you compete with them?

I used to, until I had a life-changing awareness when I was looking through a fashion magazine while waiting for a doctor’s appointment. I flipped through the pages looking at the thin models with seemingly perfect skin. For a brief moment, I thought how wonderful it would be to be young again with a perfect body, skin, hair, nails, teeth, and gorgeous looks.

Then I woke up and realized what I was doing. What in the world are you thinking, I sort of half-screamed to myself, inside my head, of course. Old patterns die hard, don’t they?

When we realize we are each born unique we wake up to what a joke it is to even entertain the notion we should be like another person. Although you have heard this before we are indeed like a fingerprint or snowflake. We were designed to be individuals unlike any other person on earth. At no time in the past or future will there be another Regina. At no time in the past or future will there be another you. So what in the world would you and I be doing to ourselves if we bought the lie we should be like other people, should look a certain way, or wear a certain size, or marry a certain person, or make a certain amount of money – or, fill in the blank.

I think we grow up comparing ourselves to and competing with others. Was I as pretty as the other girls? No. Was I as smart as other people? No. Was I as clever, funny, popular? No. It seemed in every area where I compared myself to others, I fell short.

Even though I was taught to compare myself to others through television advertising, peer pressure, teachers, and my parents comparing me to my sister, it did not feel good. Was life really supposed to be a competition with other people? How could this be the goal of life when I was not like other people? I am me, a unique individual.

Looking at those rail-thin models in a fashion magazine, comparing myself to them, felt bad. I felt less than some ideal height, weight, and look. I felt unattractive which led me to feel unworthy. Comparing myself to anyone always leaves me feeling negative. Even when the comparison makes me think I am better, more attractive, smarter, it still leaves me feeling bad. Maybe I am smarter than another person, but my intelligence does not make me better.

One of the most empowering actions I take is refusing to compare myself to or compete with others in the unhealthy ways. Today I work hard to only compare and compete with myself in a healthy way: to be a better person today than I was yesterday. I am focused on supporting people to be their unique selves and to achieve their individual goals, just as I want to be supported in achieving my goals and to be accepted for who I am.

Imagine how our lives will change, and those of our children, friends, family, co-workers, when you and I refuse to compare or compete with one another. Sure, team sports can help build self-respect, cooperation, good sportsmanship, motivation to excel, and the drive to be better through practice and hard work. But placing ourselves up against other people as a way to gauge our worth and value is unhealthy and only leads to feelings of inadequacy and frustration.

Refuse to compete with anyone on looks. You and I are beautiful as we were born to be. We can take care of our looks through rest, diet, and exercise. We can take good care of our skin through vitamins, moisturizers, sunscreen, and not eating sugar and processed foods. We can look our best as we were born to be. So it is healthy to compete with ourselves to take good care of ourselves to honor our individual looks.

The same is true of competing with anyone on weight. The goal is to feel good in your body. The goal is to be healthy. You and I are not meant to be the same size. We are meant to respect and honor our bodies through eating healthfully, exercising, not using food as an excuse to stuff our emotions, or feelings of unworthiness or shame, or to reduce boredom. We are to compete with ourselves to find the healthy weight for us, to maintain our desired weight, and to do whatever it takes to keep our body in optimum condition.

Also, refuse to compete with anyone on money. Set your financial goals based on what you deem successful. Some of the richest people I know are the poorest as far as integrity and fulfillment. And, some of the poorest people I know are the richest in terms of satisfaction, generosity, and joy. Being true to you requires you to compete with yourself to be financially responsible by refusing to surround yourself with stuff in an attempt to make you feel whole. Things do not ever fill the holes within our heart. Only self-love and respect do.

When you refuse to compete with anyone on anything you are honoring the truth:  you are distinctive among all other human beings. You are respecting the fact you have been specifically designed to be yourself.

When you allow your uniqueness to shine without comparison or competition, you will be most fulfilled. Be proud to be you! Appreciate you are the only one of you there is or ever will be. Work to be a better person today than you were yesterday; a healthy competition that is good for your soul.

Start now by learning to pay attention to how you compare yourself to others. Each time you find yourself going down the “I am not as good as,” or “I am not as pretty (or smart, or funny) as” road, stop yourself. Intentionally end your ego’s competition and comparison. Turn your attention to how you are unique and valuable as you are. If there are negative aspects about your behavior you want to change, get busy competing with yourself to stop smoking, overeating, being codependent, spending without responsibility — whatever makes you feel less than.

You have the power to change anything about yourself you want to. First, make a list of what you want to change. Second, choose one item from the list. Third, make the decision to do whatever it takes to accomplish your goal. Fourth, do not give up and refuse to compare yourself or compete with anyone – even if you have a friend who is doing the same thing, like losing weight or quitting smoking.

You are an individual. Your body, metabolism, or addiction level is different than your friends’. Do not go down the “she is losing faster, stopping faster, etc.,” road. Support one another so you both accomplish your goals. Refuse to compete with one another. Compete with yourself and support her. Healthy competition is good for your soul. When you only compete with yourself, you can define what success truly means to you.