I recently asked someone for her help to get a package to someone she knows.  Before asking her, I repeatedly assured her that she could say no to my request.  I told her it would be absolutely okay for her to refuse to help. But without one bit of hesitation she said yes and seemed excited.  Part of our initial conversation was letting her know this was a time sensitive situation. I needed the item delivered to the person she knew within a week to give them time to respond before a deadline. She assured me she would get the task done right away; within a few days.

After a week without any news I wrote an email to see about the progress.  She replied that she had been busy and was working on it.  After another week without any communication from her I wrote again and she assured me her schedule was now free.  Two weeks in and the deadline was rapidly approaching.

After another week without any word, time was running out so I contacted her again.  In response I got an angry email saying she would not help and reprimanded me for not respecting her boundaries. Needless to say I was shocked because no matter how many times I told her to say no upfront if she did not want to follow through on my behalf, she never once set a boundary of any kind. In each communication she assured me she would help. Now she was angry because she never intended to follow through but rather than say no upfront, she continued to say yes.

Healthy relationships are founded on mutual respect and trust. But being respected and trusted comes from being honest. We don’t establish trust or respect when we don’t say NO upfront to requests we do not want to do. Often we don’t say no because we fear being disliked. So we say yes without considering if we really want to do whatever it is that is being asked of us, or not.  When we go against the promises we make we get angry. Often we mistakenly take that anger out on the person we made the promise to.  Really our anger is at ourselves for not doing what we said we would.  We are angry because we did not say NO upfront.

It is okay to ask people for help. And, it is okay to say no. In fact it is a thousand times better to say no upfront than say yes but never follow through.

Be a true friend to yourself by courageously saying no upfront to anything you are not comfortable doing.  Respect yourself and other people enough to be honest.  The relationships that last are the ones where it is absolutely okay to say no and it is okay to be told no.